pills and boys

I find it saddening to think the only thing keeping me balanced is my medication, and it's really alarming to find it's not doing it's job, which was always a big fear of mine in going into therapy and getting help to begin with.

It's one of the reasons why I never wanted to get help for so long, because so many medications stop working, or you have to keep tinkering with doses and adding this and that to balance everything out and deal with horrible side effects and then when something works it stops working and you have to start with something new and repeat the whole awful cycle. I know this because I've had so many friends who are equally or more fucked up than I am.

It scares me to be dependent on something and know that eventually this stabilizing thing will give out.

I think I've been in a mixed state, now that I understand a bit more of what that means. But I think it's gone now and I'm fully into a depression, because coming back from the therapist and missing a few days of my adderall and wellbutrin I crashed out and slept for a really long time. And I'm getting sleepy in the afternoons, and well, just want to sleep a lot.
Which is completely reversed from how agitated and nervous and unsleepy I have been.
And my thoughts aren't good, and I'm not happy.
I've hit the wall again, just in time for school. Yay.

Looking back, I think I've probably always, or at least previously in some years had a bit of trouble going back to school just because it's a new change to a routine, and probably just a come down from being happier earlier in the summer. All the little anxious ocd-ish tendencies and obsessions are coming back stronger and stronger, meds or no meds. I think my body is rebelling against the stimulant properties of the adderall and wellbutrin, and that's why i get so agitated and angry, because i can't just be depressed and sleep like my body is wanting to. Maybe, i don't know. It's just a theory.

So I'm definitely going to bump them up. I might even call my doc to up them now on Monday before it gets worse, because it is getting worse. I'm relying on Unisom to get to sleep for two weeks off and on, and my sleep cycle is really shot now becuase of my two days of sleeping. And I know I could've slept more if my parents hadn't interfered.

I don't know why I can't just be normal and take everything in stride like everyone else. I hate these fucking mood swings just because they're an inconvenience.

Gray called me out of the blue yesterday and it was so nice to talk to her again. She's having a lot of the same problems I am, and it seems like her new shrink is doing her a lot of good.

My friend the Leprechaun is still persisting. I've turned him down 3 times and he still asked me if he could take me out on a date. I said I didn't know. I want to ask him what he thinks of that girl who was following him around begging him for a date and to fuck her and take her virginity and how even though she was hot he just didn't feel any chemistry, and how he said it was just too easy and he wasn't even interested. And then when he tells me he thinks she's lame/easy/pathetic or whatever, I want to tell him that that's how he's starting to come off to me and he needs to stop. Or ask him if he really listens to what I say and enjoys our conversations, or if he just hangs out with me because I'm hot. And when he says of course I respect you or whatever, then I want to ask him why he's not listening to me when I say I don't want to date him. Does he think I'm being coy or being hard to get? He's made it endlessly apparent that he was interested all last year. I know I could have him if I wanted. The fact that #3, the Fencer (to give him some kind of name, I guess, because he's interested in swords), broke up me several times to go back to his ex and left me and I could have gone out with Mr. Leprechaun but chose not to and instead went back to Fencer should have screamed out to any guy, I would think, I DO NOT WANT TO DATE YOU. But apparently not. I'm getting really fucking frustrated with this. I do not want to not hang out with Leprechaun, for us to not be friends because any attention I pay him gets his hopes up. But he worships me. If I say jump, he'll say how high. I don't want that in a guy I'll date. He's also my age and not very experienced with dating girls and how to be a gentleman, so basically I'd be holding his hand and walking him through on propriety and how to be a good boyfriend for the next girl who comes along, and just be a teacher. I can do that as a fucking friend. I like my guys a little more suave, worldly, and smooth, guys I can learn a lot from and respect. And he can be a bit of a jackass. Basically, I just want to tell him, "You aren't man enough to date me."
Nevermind the fact I'm not attracted to him, in the least, and our personalities don't really mesh well enough and I know we would fight a lot (because he's and Aquarius and I'm a Taurus), and I'm not comfortable with the idea of breaking down in front of him. I've known him for a year now, and there's nothing in that year that's made me feel like dating him. So he's got nothing left to prove. We wouldn't be able to relate well enough. I tried dating someone on another level than me with #1, The Loser, and I refuse to do so again. It's not worth it.
I don't want to have to worry about him fucking up our friendship or hitting on me or having feelings. I don't want to have to lose my friend. But this idiotic persistence when I have fucking said I don't want to date him is PATHETIC. AND I DETEST IT.

I just need to tell him he hasn't got a single chance in hell with me.