Past few days (again)
I am still not getting up on time, although I am kind of going to bed earlier.
I'm eating a bit better. And I like the vitamins. I am drinking a lot of water and overall feel pretty good. Wednesday night I rubbed my skin off with a nailbrush obsessing about how dry it was. I had taken two wellbutrin in the morning. I will never do it again. I really do think it makes me OCD-ish. I wish my doctor had taken me more seriously! It was really bad, it IS really bad. About 6 inches long and 1/4" wide in some places, like a long scrape up my left arm. It hurts immensely, like a burn. And I really could not stop doing it. There's a smaller one on the inside of my arm too. It didn't bleed, but it tore off the skin pretty good and it could scar. I'm putting Burt's Bees Res-Q stuff on it. I didn't have enough bandaids for the whole thing. It scares me to think that I did that. But then again the zoning out and picking at my legs was scaring me too. Why didn't my doctor listen to me? I found a good lotion I like that isn't greasy. Gold Bond. Stays on for 24 hours. I use that when I get out of the shower in the morning and then grease up again at night with Vaseline Intensive Care. I'm hoping the vitamins and such in both will help prevent the pilaris to begin with so I won't pick. I should moisturize daily anyway, I don't want my skin to look like my mother's. The whole daily regimine thing saves time and money on expensive treatments later, like washing my face and using some anti-aging stuff. I want to go to a dermatologist and find out what kind of preventative measures I should take now in my 20s to avoid looking like shit by the time I hit my 29th birthday. I also want to chart my moles. I'm very scared of skin cancer since I got burned so badly those couple times when I was little. Vogue has an article on a new thing to worry about aging- the FOOT. Botox in the foot- I put on my foot creme and socks last night and it really does help even if i hate sleeping in socks and I hate that the Vaseline makes me feel hot and sticky. My skin is still nice and soft right now. I want to plan out my weekly routine of care. I started using a whitening stuff on my teeth too last night. I might as well before school starts. Especially for Rush.
I so very much do not want to deal with Rush. ._. But at least if I lose some weight with this detox and have nice white teeth and a tan there's a few less things to worry about.
Some company has a moisturizer out that's also a gradual self tanner and spf20. I want it! I'm going to invest in some self tanner stuff. I'm so tired of looking so damn pale all the time. If I ever move up North sometime I'll go back to my natural deathly pallor, but down here in the south it's just not cute. And I always look kind of ill next to other people in photos. Blindingly white. I'll never look as dark as some people, but that's not what I'm going for. I just want to look healthy. I've found out I actually get a nice colour when I use this tanning enhancer hemp cream and SPF 4 tanning oil. I need to do it some more these next few weeks before Rush so I even out face and chest compared to back, upper arms compared to lower arms, and belly to back, and legs. My legs are still really pale. It's not that hard to stay outside for about 20 minutes, even if it's hot. I feel like the sun is making me grow like a plant, at least my hair. And it seems to make me feel a lot better, moodwise. And even though I don't particularly like getting all greasy from the oil and sweaty, I think it clears up my skin and gets some of those toxins out. I wish we had a steam room. I loved the steam room at the gym in Houston when I went with #3. I liked being able to sit in there and feel my pores open up and feel my body sweat out the nasty, then be able to jump in the pool and get all cold and then do it again. I'm sure it'd be much better at a spa, where you could get in a cold tub or something that would have had tons of chlorine and god knows what in it.
I felt really good in South Padre over spring break, being able to swim and be in the sun.
I really hope I can live somewhere coastal for most of my life. Or at least have access to a pool and some kind of oasis. At least New York has gyms (pool) and Central Park (oasis). LA has ocean but it's toxic, I bet. And the air......hmm.
Sunlight and being out-of-doors are said to be key in maintaining good health/mood for bipolar in my book. It's The Natural Medicine Guide to Bipolar Disorder.
Isn't sunlight and being out of doors key to good health and mood for anyone? Isn't being in a cubicle during daylight hours and under flurouscent lights detrimental for everyone? (not to mention just how bad flurouscent lights make everyone look...ugh).
I still think our society makes us sick.
I keep thinking about how I want to go vegan or go organic but then I think about how much toxins I'm STILL exposed to no matter where I go and I almost want to think, FUCK IT, I'LL EAT WHATEVER I GODDAMN WANT. But I can't, it terrifies me. Cows aren't supposed to eat corn, they're supposed to eat grass. Why should they even be fed corn? Much less ground up bits of themselves? We aren't supposed to eat Red10, Blue40, or any of those dyes. Why are they added?
I'm afraid of what we're exposed to and what we eat, and the pills we are taking.
Why are they promoting things that kill us?
Why are anorexics and bulimics locked up and hospitilized for eating disorders, when overeating and being overweight cause more health problems, are just as self-destructive and self-injuring and abusive, and cause more money to be wasted on illnesses caused by it? Aren't they just as much at fault? Why don't we lock fat people up for eating themselves to death? Just because it takes longer to kill them? Ridiculous!
I don't understand these things.
I'm eating a bit better. And I like the vitamins. I am drinking a lot of water and overall feel pretty good. Wednesday night I rubbed my skin off with a nailbrush obsessing about how dry it was. I had taken two wellbutrin in the morning. I will never do it again. I really do think it makes me OCD-ish. I wish my doctor had taken me more seriously! It was really bad, it IS really bad. About 6 inches long and 1/4" wide in some places, like a long scrape up my left arm. It hurts immensely, like a burn. And I really could not stop doing it. There's a smaller one on the inside of my arm too. It didn't bleed, but it tore off the skin pretty good and it could scar. I'm putting Burt's Bees Res-Q stuff on it. I didn't have enough bandaids for the whole thing. It scares me to think that I did that. But then again the zoning out and picking at my legs was scaring me too. Why didn't my doctor listen to me? I found a good lotion I like that isn't greasy. Gold Bond. Stays on for 24 hours. I use that when I get out of the shower in the morning and then grease up again at night with Vaseline Intensive Care. I'm hoping the vitamins and such in both will help prevent the pilaris to begin with so I won't pick. I should moisturize daily anyway, I don't want my skin to look like my mother's. The whole daily regimine thing saves time and money on expensive treatments later, like washing my face and using some anti-aging stuff. I want to go to a dermatologist and find out what kind of preventative measures I should take now in my 20s to avoid looking like shit by the time I hit my 29th birthday. I also want to chart my moles. I'm very scared of skin cancer since I got burned so badly those couple times when I was little. Vogue has an article on a new thing to worry about aging- the FOOT. Botox in the foot- I put on my foot creme and socks last night and it really does help even if i hate sleeping in socks and I hate that the Vaseline makes me feel hot and sticky. My skin is still nice and soft right now. I want to plan out my weekly routine of care. I started using a whitening stuff on my teeth too last night. I might as well before school starts. Especially for Rush.
I so very much do not want to deal with Rush. ._. But at least if I lose some weight with this detox and have nice white teeth and a tan there's a few less things to worry about.
Some company has a moisturizer out that's also a gradual self tanner and spf20. I want it! I'm going to invest in some self tanner stuff. I'm so tired of looking so damn pale all the time. If I ever move up North sometime I'll go back to my natural deathly pallor, but down here in the south it's just not cute. And I always look kind of ill next to other people in photos. Blindingly white. I'll never look as dark as some people, but that's not what I'm going for. I just want to look healthy. I've found out I actually get a nice colour when I use this tanning enhancer hemp cream and SPF 4 tanning oil. I need to do it some more these next few weeks before Rush so I even out face and chest compared to back, upper arms compared to lower arms, and belly to back, and legs. My legs are still really pale. It's not that hard to stay outside for about 20 minutes, even if it's hot. I feel like the sun is making me grow like a plant, at least my hair. And it seems to make me feel a lot better, moodwise. And even though I don't particularly like getting all greasy from the oil and sweaty, I think it clears up my skin and gets some of those toxins out. I wish we had a steam room. I loved the steam room at the gym in Houston when I went with #3. I liked being able to sit in there and feel my pores open up and feel my body sweat out the nasty, then be able to jump in the pool and get all cold and then do it again. I'm sure it'd be much better at a spa, where you could get in a cold tub or something that would have had tons of chlorine and god knows what in it.
I felt really good in South Padre over spring break, being able to swim and be in the sun.
I really hope I can live somewhere coastal for most of my life. Or at least have access to a pool and some kind of oasis. At least New York has gyms (pool) and Central Park (oasis). LA has ocean but it's toxic, I bet. And the air......hmm.
Sunlight and being out-of-doors are said to be key in maintaining good health/mood for bipolar in my book. It's The Natural Medicine Guide to Bipolar Disorder.
Isn't sunlight and being out of doors key to good health and mood for anyone? Isn't being in a cubicle during daylight hours and under flurouscent lights detrimental for everyone? (not to mention just how bad flurouscent lights make everyone look...ugh).
I still think our society makes us sick.
I keep thinking about how I want to go vegan or go organic but then I think about how much toxins I'm STILL exposed to no matter where I go and I almost want to think, FUCK IT, I'LL EAT WHATEVER I GODDAMN WANT. But I can't, it terrifies me. Cows aren't supposed to eat corn, they're supposed to eat grass. Why should they even be fed corn? Much less ground up bits of themselves? We aren't supposed to eat Red10, Blue40, or any of those dyes. Why are they added?
I'm afraid of what we're exposed to and what we eat, and the pills we are taking.
Why are they promoting things that kill us?
Why are anorexics and bulimics locked up and hospitilized for eating disorders, when overeating and being overweight cause more health problems, are just as self-destructive and self-injuring and abusive, and cause more money to be wasted on illnesses caused by it? Aren't they just as much at fault? Why don't we lock fat people up for eating themselves to death? Just because it takes longer to kill them? Ridiculous!
I don't understand these things.
posted by Etoile @ 16:03
1 Comments:
At 9:21 PM,
spotted elephant said…
A lot of the health problems that are blamed on being fat actually come from lack of exercise. There are many fat and fit people, and thin and unhealthy people. Hospitalization isn't used as punishment for people with anorexia, it's an attempt to save their lives.
Reading your post, it seems that you put so much emphasis on appearance and hold yourself up to very strict standards. How about accepting yourself as you are?
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