New developments...

Fencer and I have been dating for a week now. I agreed to it last Wednesday.
I have some misgivings but he is trying, and is supportive, and sweet. I just know if it was me in that place wanting a second chance, I'd want to give me a second chance. So that's why I decided to give it another shot (despite all that my brain says.)
So if i write back later saying I was a fucking moron then...well...surprise, surprise surprise.

Hair is now partially dyed pink. :D

I had anal for the first time last Tuesday night.
No cherries left.
I know I will never go back to my sir now, and I feel free.
I'm glad I did that with someone I know cares about me, and even if Fencer isn't the one, and I don't think he's the one, he's a very caring lover.
Ended up kind of hurting myself though so we're experimenting with gloves and finger cots until I'm ready to try again. :P


I finally got my tongue pierced Friday and it was a great experience. It's healing up okay although I sound a bit strange on my s's and drool a bit in my sleep.
Miss O does the best fucking job piercing. It's been the least painful out of all of them.
So I have nine piercings now.

I am depressed and lethargic and really fucking up school by which I mean I am not going. Well, barely. I'm worried I may have to drop my British art history class but I'm right at 6 absences and I know I can catch up. I know I can. I might make a fucking C but I can still pass.
I dropped 2 classes and I really hope I can keep these 3...I already feel like a fucking failure.
I think I may need to jack up the medication again and I think that'll be easier to deal with with 3 classes instead of 4.
Not the topomax...just the wellbutrin and adderall. I just feel fucking dead.
But then again I haven't been taking it regularly either. Shame on me.
I've freaked out twice since coming back to school.
Last time was Wednesday night.

I wish I wasn't so fucked up.


Trying to start exercising more.
Fencer and I walked around for more than an hour back around Raguet and found a new development going in and got to explore a house under construction. It was really fun and I felt all sneaky and secretive.

Had some really amazing sex last night and I got all quivery and ragdoll-like without even having to ride him.
Started out with him fingering my ass with the gloves on and the wet lube and we worked 2 fingers in. ended up hurting again. but then he got started on my pussy (glove removed of course) and i was already really wet, which suprised me because while it felt good to have my ass played with i didn't think i was that turned on. When we started fucking he went in with no problem whatsoever and was teasing me about it. It was fucking delicious. He was going to ignore a phone call from his mom but I told him to take it and then I had to be really quiet. He was fucking me really hard and I buried my head in his shoulder to help muffle any sound.
A few whimpers let out anyway and she paused and said, was that a dog? is [my name] over? and he said no, it was the tv. and kept pounding me. I think she knew. He was breathing kind of hard.
But then he hung up finally after I asked him twice to stop talking to her because I was having such a hard time holding back and silently screaming, pulled me back from the edge of the bed and teased me some more about having to be quiet and then rammed me really hard and made me scream because he hit my cervix. We were using one of the lifestyles ribbed condoms (tiny ribs! i'm suprised they count...) and it seemed alright. But ooo...we actually got all sweaty and it didn't bother me because I just kept cumming....
it was nice.....

::giggle::
I didn't mean for that to get so graphic but it was worth remembering.

::sigh::

I started my period Sunday night. Cramped like a motherfucker. Boobs don't hurt anymore and still craving chocolate a bit but not so much on the salt. I can feel myself slightly debloating. It's better.

Squeezed myself into skinny dark blue 4 longlean gap jeans...the pair i have to button first to zip up. Maybe i'll learn not to eat so fucking much. I need to drink more water.

2 vits, 2 fish oils, 1 biotin, 1 magnesium, 1 calcium.
I put lotion on after my shower, did not tone face but did use vit. c and spf30 moisturizer.
used new shampoo and conditioner (yay!)
ate 1 piece of jerky- 40cal
and now 1 south beach cinnamon creme bar- 220.

i don't know what i weigh but i know it's not good... 150s probably if not 160. fat on back under bra, arms are heavier...thighs DEFINITELY bigger, ass too...ugh. Hips not as sharp, nor clavicle. I lost my bone friends! That is not good! It is bad and wrong. Grrrr.

I get my tongue pierced thursday. I'm looking forward to it. I have to get a retainer though because I'll be home the next weekend. Eeep! Cannot have mom notice. She'll freak.

Got to get in shape for spring break/valentines/everything.

I still feel horrible thinking about that nurse in the doctor's office going over my chart- "so are you still drinking and not exercising?" It sounded so horrible when she put it like that...because i really don't drink that often!
::sigh::
I wish my parents didn't make going home so hard. All the foods I'm trying to avoid to be healthy are thrust upon me. I've got to stop thinking of home as a free-for-all and stick to my principles.
Same everywhere.
._.

rules

I gave up soda and chips...any kind of snack food in a bag because they are worthless foods i don't need to be eating. That was my new year's resolution

However- crackers. Those are in boxes. I must eliminate the crackers. They are dooming me.

I'm going to add them next week.
Soda
Chips
Crackers
Dinner rolls/cornbread/croissants of any kind- too hard to gauge calorie content/worthless shit food full of flour and no nutrients.

Whole wheat bread for me, brown rice whenever possible, etc...

If i want crunchy I can eat some nuts or a cucumber or carrots, or those roasted chickpeas in southbeach.

I don't follow a specific diet, i just look at nutritional content and if there's nothing in the food as far as protein, fiber, and vitamins n' such, I deem it a "shit food" and decide I won't waste my time eating it and filling myself with a lot of fluff.

interesting things

I found this site linked through jaoi's (wonderful place, sad it's down) called the Hacker's Diet, which is an online book. I'm writing the relevent parts down for myself so i can get them later...and in case anyone does read this all this info is copyright the Hacker's Diet author. these are just notes to myself about it, i'm not trying to plagiarize or anything.

Calories burned per day
Female, 5'7"
-small frame: 1618-2023
-med frame: 1718-2147
-large frame: 1845-2306

so that's good to know, question is, what kind of frame do i have?
I'm inclined to think large, which would mean i'm a total fatass for eating as many calories as i do. i know i'm not small framed and i don't think i'm particularly straightly average either. ::sigh::

Calories needed per day
135 - based on ideal weight for height
multiplied by 11 -activity level scaled 11-17 (sedentary= 11, strenous activity for hours a day= 17) = 1485 calories a day.

114X11= 1254 cal a day. Hmm.... :)

This is an interesting point he makes in the book- basically a mentioning of you are what you eat, and that the body is really efficient at using all sorts of weird things for food, and what it doesn't need is gotten rid of (duh, right?), and everything else is used. But that somethings can't be used, and you need to get rid of them. *****"Unfortunately, as you bring your weight down to your personal optimum level, the reduced quantity of food you're eating and the odious chemicals released as you burn up excess fat create a tendency for these poisons to stay inside...."
What, ketones? I'm curious now. No diet book ever says that poisons build up inside of you from dieting...continuing to read...

Overeating- fat cells are likened to expanding rubber bags that snatch in any excess food.

Undereating- energy is scarce, body slows down to adjust to the situation, and you feel cold because less energy is available to be burned (i don't think that quite explains why i'm freezing my ass off all the time, because when i'm eating normally i'm still freezing cold.) Bloodstream depletes of energy, and individual fat cells start giving up their reserves= you losing weight.

This is all about calorie counting, which personally I think is a good thing.
To determine gain or loss- number of cals eaten - calories burned.
Positive #= weight gain. Negative #= weight loss.

3500cal in a pound of fat. 750cal in a cup of sugar, a cup of lard has 1800, almost 2.5x that of sugar. Jesus.

Very simple- to lose weight, reduce food intake so you burn 3500cal more than you eat.

An extra 250cal a day causes weight gain.
ice cream cone- 220 (DOOM!)
5 oreos- 250 (DOOM!)
2 cans of beer- 300 (holy shit, didn't realize that. good thing i don't drink it that often...must invest in decent lite beer)
chocolate shake- 375 (it would be the worst, wouldn't it? Fuck)
Adding 250cal a day x7= 1750= .5lbs a week, 2 lbs a month, and 25 lbs in a year. (OMG!! Never going over cal limit ever never ever!!!) However the flip is that subtracting 250cal a day means a 25lb WEIGHT LOSS.
(the thing is, I know all this, but seeing it in print, again, and the numbers, and seeing/remembering how easy it is to go over freaks me out, which is why i like having this here.)

INCREASING THE BURN
2 ways- increase basal metabolism (rate at which body burns cals all the time...i'm guessing mine is at a snail rate) or add physical activity to burn off extra cal. I prefer basal.
-ooo, points out that hourly calorie burn rates for specific exercises are nonstop, and who does that nonstop? compromising on the hour a day (3 days a week for 45min instead) means burning much less, which could be more easily done by cutting out a food.
Foregone confection Calories
Nonfat yogurt 150
Cream of mushroom soup, bowl 175
Bread, 2 slices 150
Beer, 1 can 150
Snickers bar 275
Cola with sugar, 1 can 145
Twinkie 160

also points out that for people who are overweight, often they overeat after working out to make up for the deficit, and cancel out any benefit to weight loss...i know i've done that.
-if one is out of shape it's much better to be at the appropriate weight than overweight and out of shape. AMEN.

"Many people have little or no difficulty controlling their weight. Slim people aren't that way because they're willing to go hungry all the time. They're slim because they're eating the right amounts of food at the right times, putting in just the amount of food their bodies are burning. Because they're meeting their bodies' needs, they aren't hungry: the hunger signal goes off only when too little goes in. Even most overweight people maintain a constant weight without hunger. It's just that the weight they're at is way too high."
"We who have trouble with weight either seem to have that mechanism broken (signals telling you you're hungry, and that you're not), or else we're eating too frequently or too much for other reasons; we're eating not because our bodies need the food but to satisfy psychological needs the exposition of which in various bubbleheaded psychobabble diet books has leveled vast forests."- funny.

far too long

I hate how I look right now. arms...tummy...thighs...calves....ugh!

Been surfing the net and got myself all worked up last night looking at websites....for ed. Just reading the material is triggering for me. I'm particularly fond of how a lot of the sites have gotten rid of bad information like about ipecac syrup and have lots more nutritional info...
i didn't even look at the inspirational pieces.
It was hard to sleep last night.

my libido is shot and been really off since d___ came back to town and he doesn't understand it. I don't know what I weigh atm and I'm afraid to weigh myself. I'm trying to stop eating shit food and be good like I used to.
He wants to date again but I don't think I can have a serious relationship at this point. I don't feel connected to him, and furthermore I feel like this rising surge of Ed behaviour is far more important to me and I can't socialize nearly as much if i'm going to do this and do it right.
I feel so fucking unattractive and ugly bad fat that it's hard for me to comprehend why he even likes me. It frustrates the hell out of him to hear me negate every compliment and that just isn't fair. What gives me the right to put someone else through my stupid little torments?
He's already made it really clear that I can't starve. Not that he'd notice. But I just don't want to fucking deal with someone else's opinions in this. My body, my right to fuck it up as I see fit.

I was trying on jeans today and my precious precious skinny jeans, the People for Peace...barely fit. It was so revolting to see my adipose fat splishing over that I felt sick to my stomach. I feel too disgusting and fat to go to class. I don't want to think about people looking at me.
I'm going to clean my room up and start pasting stuff into my ts book.
I need to make a separate one just for recipes. I'm almost done with my second one. I hope to fill a 3rd book by the end of the semester. Keep my hands busy instead of shoving food in my mouth.
I'm going to start including what I eat in here.


FOOD---
So far-
My meds
1 Kashi <3> (wow...i'm looking at the info box, this stuff is really awesome for you. 2gf, 3gpro, 25% A, 50%C, 100%E, b6, Folic acid, b12, 10% iron, calcium, zinc. Which reminds me I need to take my vitamins.)
vitamins- 1 flaxseed oil (for omega 3); 2 multi (the kind i take are called perfect multi focus formula, you take 4 a day. in a natural healing book about Bipolar disorder they talk about Biotin being super important for regulating things in your brain, this brand has 100% biotin and most only have 10 or 30%. It also has a larger amount of Bvitamins. Our American diets are very short in B3 and very high in B6, and B3 deficiencies cause depression and all sorts of bad things. Having a better ratio in your diet alleviates this. They also give it to people for healthier nails, skin, and hair, and based on my skin and nails I'd say i definitely have a deficiency...i generally always feel better when i take these at least the omega3 oil and these multifocus things. it's a subtle difference but i notice it...downside is that it doesn't have a lot of calcium. they don't say they have calories but i bet they do, but i know it's so minimal it's not going to ultimately matter.)

Quod me nutrit, me destruit

138. 138? I can't believe i'm this skinny. And it's still not really that skinny, but my BMI is down to 21.6 now... i feel so good.

things are so fucked up lately. I've been so confused and hurt. Came to realize I'm bisexual, no getting around it. Lover left on the 8th...since then I can't help wondering over and over what is so wrong with me that I can't keep someone that I really really want. Why am I not worth it to try? Why am I not worth the time?
and just before that, on the 3rd, the girl who was chasing me said we couldn't be just friends because it was too hard on her, so i lost that friend, basically. And my lover la da was hardly speaking to me. I think i lost 8 pounds over the past 2 weeks or so.
I just cut things off with my sir...I just can't handle the arguments anymore or the tension...it's too hard to be so far apart but have these demands made on me when I have no time really for anything but school, and I have to do so well or I can't get into a grad school program.
I cut my hair in mourning last tuesday because of the ex-lover la da.
I feel like if I can't even get treated like a girl there is no point in looking like one. I hope I starve down every last sensual curve until there is nothing left to look at. I don't have a cock, so I can't play with the boys, and I don't get treated like a girl, I get treated like a sex object, a thing. I can't stand it. It's so frustrating and confusing. I think if I lose the tits and ass maybe I'll get treated as if that's not all I am...as if i'm a person. Maybe what I say will register because people will be looking at my face and not at my chest.

I can't control anything....I feel so lost...

home again...

I had an incredibly interesting week. Wednesday went Bambi again, with my first experience with dro(sp?) and OMG it was so fun and silly. and Thursday we got our new buddies with the girls, and of all the freaking cosmic humor, my girl is bi. And a greedy little kisser. It's too fucking much to believe, with the waitress hitting on me last friday, and dreaming wednesday night about that girl from my class asking me out, and then later thursday, THAT. ON TOP of the whole Touchstone thing.

So I had a big epiphany Thursday. I'm bi.

No gerrymandering about it.


.....I think I just didn't want to admit it before because it's just another thing I have to hide.

I see my shrink Tuesday. I don't know what I'll tell him of this shit yet. It's too complicated and weird.

My mom likes my hair, I think.

My dog is sick and I'm very worried. She has a bad infection in her ear. My poor puppy.

I'm kind of tired so this post is scattered.

swings...

I ended up crying last night. I don't know why. Touchstone was already asleep so he didn't notice. I didn't sleep well either. I'm going to stop taking my mood stabilizer. It's dragging me down and making me feel dead.

Reading Wuthering Heights again for class is actually almost entertaining. It's hard to focus on what my prof is saying though; she goes really fast. I really just...want to draw and not do homework, but I have to.

Watched Painters Painting today in class and I can't help but think they're pretentious and full of shit and furthermore, drunk.
My prof made this note towards the end of class-
"Now you have to take this all with a grain of salt and figure out for yourselves whether or not this is--" a student interjects- "Bullshit?" and my Prof continues "yes, Bullshit, or if they're actually really sincere. ANd furthermore, if you learn anything about being a serious artist, it's that you have to drink and smoke to become one." At which point I said, "Smoke what?" ANd he laughed a bit.
It was funny. We had an event for people wanting to join later tonight and I did well talking, for once. I think i'm going to pierce my tongue soon. It just needs to be done. That or my nose. I love the girl I got for my Rush Crush. I actually think she's rather cute. I asked Touchstone last night if I'm bicurious or if since I've had sex with a girl I'm past that point. I really just kind of consider myself a straight girl who likes to have sex.

Or a hedonist.

breakfast of champions...

I started my day by waking up and fooling around with Touchstone.

And sucking him off.

Because every now and then, you realize that whole "starting your day with breakfast" thing is a really good idea. LOL.

I can't even begin to say how strange the past few days have been.
My braces were killer and I've lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to 144, but I think it's climbed up a bit do to this week's indulgence. I'll remedy that now starting today, considering I haven't eaten anything except 1 Tab energy drink, and a Diet Dr. Pepper, and of course my "breakfast." HA.

Rush went great. I only fucked up once with the time and that was the last day, and the girl staying with me, a name twin no less, was really nice. Dropped by the starbucks in town for the first time and I'm pretty sure the guy hit on me. We had a freak accident the second day that no doubt will result in some serious new resolutions regarding decorations. The house next to us was really sweet helping out and so were the guys up the street. Nice to see Greek solidarity even if it's just for PR. Maybe it isn't, but it's nice to have support.
We got some great girls. And got some more this week too. I'm really happy and excited for us. But then again I'm pretty sure I'm manic so that could have something to do with it.

I spent a ridiculous amount of money on books this year, and now 3 of them are worthless because I quit my poetry class. It's been 4 years since i had anything to do with poetry, and it's a 400 level class, and I don't particularly like poetry, and the teacher is an absolute dick. I think I could do that class if it was anyone but him teaching. But I just can't see myself putting forth the effort necessary to make the grade I will want to make in that class with such an arrogant jackass for a prof. He's the kind of teacher whose lesson plan involves brainwashing you into thinking what he thinks, and with absolutely no breathing room, let alone elbow room, for alternate thoughts, ideas, or debate, and will literally call you out as a moron if you try. I can't be in that kind of class. Just can't. He'd fail me just for opening my mouth. And I can't care enough about poetry to try. Not for him.

Last Sunday I got baked with Touchstone and Leprechaun, and let me just say that was so wonderful. So fucking wonderful. All the accumulated tension of the past month exhaled out of me with the smoke from my lungs in a huge sigh. Bye bye evil feelings and crazy jangly wired up nerves. Hello peaceful green forests. Go Bambi go. And I went Bambi Wednesday and Saturday night too. Only problem is I could feel it the next day during class, which I don't like. So no more ever during the week. I like to keep my focus. But to finally, FINALLY mellow out and not feel so stressed was blissssssful.

Other interesting note is my new beau M. Touchstone. Which is so crazy and unexpected on my part I still have WTF moments. I mean, it's *Touchstone*. Sunday (the 27th) I went over like I said and we were all high, and I was giving him a back scratchy and he was giving Leprechaun one, when I slipped in and started being able to play with Touchstone's aura. And it buzzed and hummed and I could feel/see it and Touchstone could feel it too. Lep was a little left out and laying down at some point completely out of the loop and jealous, I thought, but apparently just so into his high he was quiet for once and in his own headspace (a relief from his usual verbosity). Playing with auras is kind of highly sexual, or maybe it just was because I hadn't gotten laid in so long and the last time I'd done this it'd resulted in epiphany/soul searching sex, and there was one of those little energy jumps and I had to stop because I was getting so giddy from the exchange and the charge that jolted me. So maybe that started it.
But then sometime later I was laying down and getting a backrub that felt sooooo good from Touchstone, and at the very very end, the fucker pulled my hair like the sneaky bastard he is. And I was so charged I couldn't hide how much I liked it and shook from head to toe.
And he asked me in the dirtiest softest low voice with a bit of an edge, "What was the best part of that massage?"

And I Thought for a bit.
And this is what I thought- ***That was Touchstone. He's Touchstone. Not on radar, off. He's affectionate with everyone. You're high. You're totally misreading that. But he pulled my hair. You're misreading it. But he just sounded really dirty. But it's TOUCHSTONE. OH GOD.***
And I didn't want to lie, and I didn't want to push too hard if I was wrong and sound like a dumbass, so I said- "The last part."

And then he did it again and again and again. Leprechaun was completely passed out and nearly sleeping not a foot away and there was this huge tension of possibly getting caught. It was so hot.

We woke him up and I was hungry, so we went to Whataburger and then dropped Sean off. I was having terrible visual drag and tracers so I stayed, still not completely sure I'd stay over but kind of fairly certain I would. And I did.

Touchstone is very, very good with his hands.


I never would've guessed this would have happened at all. I had thought he didn't like me at all because of Leprechaun and what he'd been saying about me and bitching and moaning. T said it was more to do with hearing both sides of it from Lep and Fencer and how neither one would take his advice and then, of course, not knowing me very well. But that he always thought I was cute.
What sucks is that we have to keep it a *secret* because of Leprechaun and Fencer both being on my ass. So we've created alter egos to refer to each other by. It's hilarious. It's become a game we're playing on everyone- How Long Will It Take All Our Friends to Catch On? Stuff with Lep came to a head Saturday night because we were all watching the Shining and he and his friend decided to show up instead of going to a theatre party and interrupt, rudely, and just watched it with us. I was a bit drunk from finishing off my gin drink that I started on the night before (Friday) with Buddy Sis and ex-sis Puff while watching The Emperor's New Groove. And I went off on him for calling me a slut Wednesday, because I didn't accept his apology from earlier. And he was upset and jealous I sat closer to Touchstone the whole time and then an hour and half later just got up and walked out, and Touchstone and he had a manly talk, his friend left, and it was all awkward and I thought he was being really retarded, and finally he came back in and then he and I went out to talk and I missed the end of the Shining. He said blah blah blah blah blah you'll never be able to trust me because I'll always be scheming to get in your pants or date you blah blah blah you and Touchstone are the only people I can't work out and manipulate blah blah blah I'm actually a virgin (that was the only new piece of info) blah blah blah I'm in love with you- I corrected him here and told him he was infatuated, not in love- blah blah it's been a year now and I want to be your friend but it just kills me blah blah blah. ALL shit I already knew. It's not my fault he's a moron about this. Any guy who tried so hard to impress me would merit my disdain equally. He's a fucking submissive and there is no way around it. I am better than him. I have already dated him, and that was #1, the Loser now turned Godboy. Good grief what is it with these guys being absolute pussies when it comes to me? I DON'T WANT IT.

Thank God Touchstone seems a little more dignified. ::knock on wood:: here's hoping....god....

I slept over every day last week except Thursday night. Showered together twice...I still can't believe all this. It's so bizarre to have no clue and then WHAM. WTF? What do you mean you like me?
But I like it. He's been very very sweet. Only his roommates know, and they know it's a secret.

I've been ridiculously happy this week.

Ditzy blonde and happy, and I can't recognize myself in the mirror with my hair so short. I'm making a new person here. Molding something new. I'm very hopeful it'll all work out.