far too long
I hate how I look right now. arms...tummy...thighs...calves....ugh!
Been surfing the net and got myself all worked up last night looking at websites....for ed. Just reading the material is triggering for me. I'm particularly fond of how a lot of the sites have gotten rid of bad information like about ipecac syrup and have lots more nutritional info...
i didn't even look at the inspirational pieces.
It was hard to sleep last night.
my libido is shot and been really off since d___ came back to town and he doesn't understand it. I don't know what I weigh atm and I'm afraid to weigh myself. I'm trying to stop eating shit food and be good like I used to.
He wants to date again but I don't think I can have a serious relationship at this point. I don't feel connected to him, and furthermore I feel like this rising surge of Ed behaviour is far more important to me and I can't socialize nearly as much if i'm going to do this and do it right.
I feel so fucking unattractive and ugly bad fat that it's hard for me to comprehend why he even likes me. It frustrates the hell out of him to hear me negate every compliment and that just isn't fair. What gives me the right to put someone else through my stupid little torments?
He's already made it really clear that I can't starve. Not that he'd notice. But I just don't want to fucking deal with someone else's opinions in this. My body, my right to fuck it up as I see fit.
I was trying on jeans today and my precious precious skinny jeans, the People for Peace...barely fit. It was so revolting to see my adipose fat splishing over that I felt sick to my stomach. I feel too disgusting and fat to go to class. I don't want to think about people looking at me.
I'm going to clean my room up and start pasting stuff into my ts book.
I need to make a separate one just for recipes. I'm almost done with my second one. I hope to fill a 3rd book by the end of the semester. Keep my hands busy instead of shoving food in my mouth.
I'm going to start including what I eat in here.
FOOD---
So far-
My meds
1 Kashi <3> (wow...i'm looking at the info box, this stuff is really awesome for you. 2gf, 3gpro, 25% A, 50%C, 100%E, b6, Folic acid, b12, 10% iron, calcium, zinc. Which reminds me I need to take my vitamins.)
vitamins- 1 flaxseed oil (for omega 3); 2 multi (the kind i take are called perfect multi focus formula, you take 4 a day. in a natural healing book about Bipolar disorder they talk about Biotin being super important for regulating things in your brain, this brand has 100% biotin and most only have 10 or 30%. It also has a larger amount of Bvitamins. Our American diets are very short in B3 and very high in B6, and B3 deficiencies cause depression and all sorts of bad things. Having a better ratio in your diet alleviates this. They also give it to people for healthier nails, skin, and hair, and based on my skin and nails I'd say i definitely have a deficiency...i generally always feel better when i take these at least the omega3 oil and these multifocus things. it's a subtle difference but i notice it...downside is that it doesn't have a lot of calcium. they don't say they have calories but i bet they do, but i know it's so minimal it's not going to ultimately matter.)
Been surfing the net and got myself all worked up last night looking at websites....for ed. Just reading the material is triggering for me. I'm particularly fond of how a lot of the sites have gotten rid of bad information like about ipecac syrup and have lots more nutritional info...
i didn't even look at the inspirational pieces.
It was hard to sleep last night.
my libido is shot and been really off since d___ came back to town and he doesn't understand it. I don't know what I weigh atm and I'm afraid to weigh myself. I'm trying to stop eating shit food and be good like I used to.
He wants to date again but I don't think I can have a serious relationship at this point. I don't feel connected to him, and furthermore I feel like this rising surge of Ed behaviour is far more important to me and I can't socialize nearly as much if i'm going to do this and do it right.
I feel so fucking unattractive and ugly bad fat that it's hard for me to comprehend why he even likes me. It frustrates the hell out of him to hear me negate every compliment and that just isn't fair. What gives me the right to put someone else through my stupid little torments?
He's already made it really clear that I can't starve. Not that he'd notice. But I just don't want to fucking deal with someone else's opinions in this. My body, my right to fuck it up as I see fit.
I was trying on jeans today and my precious precious skinny jeans, the People for Peace...barely fit. It was so revolting to see my adipose fat splishing over that I felt sick to my stomach. I feel too disgusting and fat to go to class. I don't want to think about people looking at me.
I'm going to clean my room up and start pasting stuff into my ts book.
I need to make a separate one just for recipes. I'm almost done with my second one. I hope to fill a 3rd book by the end of the semester. Keep my hands busy instead of shoving food in my mouth.
I'm going to start including what I eat in here.
FOOD---
So far-
My meds
1 Kashi <3> (wow...i'm looking at the info box, this stuff is really awesome for you. 2gf, 3gpro, 25% A, 50%C, 100%E, b6, Folic acid, b12, 10% iron, calcium, zinc. Which reminds me I need to take my vitamins.)
vitamins- 1 flaxseed oil (for omega 3); 2 multi (the kind i take are called perfect multi focus formula, you take 4 a day. in a natural healing book about Bipolar disorder they talk about Biotin being super important for regulating things in your brain, this brand has 100% biotin and most only have 10 or 30%. It also has a larger amount of Bvitamins. Our American diets are very short in B3 and very high in B6, and B3 deficiencies cause depression and all sorts of bad things. Having a better ratio in your diet alleviates this. They also give it to people for healthier nails, skin, and hair, and based on my skin and nails I'd say i definitely have a deficiency...i generally always feel better when i take these at least the omega3 oil and these multifocus things. it's a subtle difference but i notice it...downside is that it doesn't have a lot of calcium. they don't say they have calories but i bet they do, but i know it's so minimal it's not going to ultimately matter.)
posted by Etoile @ 10:52
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