Quod me nutrit, me destruit

138. 138? I can't believe i'm this skinny. And it's still not really that skinny, but my BMI is down to 21.6 now... i feel so good.

things are so fucked up lately. I've been so confused and hurt. Came to realize I'm bisexual, no getting around it. Lover left on the 8th...since then I can't help wondering over and over what is so wrong with me that I can't keep someone that I really really want. Why am I not worth it to try? Why am I not worth the time?
and just before that, on the 3rd, the girl who was chasing me said we couldn't be just friends because it was too hard on her, so i lost that friend, basically. And my lover la da was hardly speaking to me. I think i lost 8 pounds over the past 2 weeks or so.
I just cut things off with my sir...I just can't handle the arguments anymore or the tension...it's too hard to be so far apart but have these demands made on me when I have no time really for anything but school, and I have to do so well or I can't get into a grad school program.
I cut my hair in mourning last tuesday because of the ex-lover la da.
I feel like if I can't even get treated like a girl there is no point in looking like one. I hope I starve down every last sensual curve until there is nothing left to look at. I don't have a cock, so I can't play with the boys, and I don't get treated like a girl, I get treated like a sex object, a thing. I can't stand it. It's so frustrating and confusing. I think if I lose the tits and ass maybe I'll get treated as if that's not all I am...as if i'm a person. Maybe what I say will register because people will be looking at my face and not at my chest.

I can't control anything....I feel so lost...