musings

I told Leprechaun Sunday that he didn't have a shot in hell with me. It went well. Ugh. Boys are so fucking retarded. But at least it's plainly said and in the clear, and I told him plainly not to ask me out again, ever. Never going to happen. And that I value his friendship, and that I don't want our friendship to get messed up. I said all this more kindly than I'm saying it here, because I'm still irritated that I couldn't say every single mean thing I want to and that it came down to having a discussion about it when I denied him 3x before, like I wrote about before. It makes me very irate. But it was all gone through and over and done with, so now I won't fuss over it for the next few months and acutally REALLY explode on him. Now I just have to worry about him still pining over me and irritating me and then me getting drunk and telling him some of those awful things. But I think I can swing that.
I don't understand why I attract all these guys I have no interest in. They fall at my feet and it throws me off. I don't see anything here worthwhile. I am not perfect! I want to scream at them. Whatever it is that they find attractive I want to carve off myself.

I just want to find that damn Skydoll comic now.

I got my cavity filled monday, but I think they did the wrong tooth. Idiots. That kind of killed my whole day. I was very out of it. I missed my meds in the morning and basically just slept a lot. I want to sleep pretty much all the time if I miss the adderall and the wellbutrin- proof I think of depression...that and the crying at night once it's worn off and feeling horrible and irritable even while on it off and on throughout the day and having the body-image problems haunting me nearly constantly. I haven't been eating much.
Thinking about Cheschire makes me feel sick. I wish I hadn't been such a coward. I ruin everything by being too afraid to do things. Miss out on opportunities.

I haven't done much. I got to see my old roomie, Flirt, yesterday and go shopping with her. Got more bras and undies. It was a lot of fun. I was supposed to see her today too but I guess my battery got jilted in my phone because it wasn't turning on, and I have since fixed it but now I can't get ahold of her. Her boy is in town though so she's probably...occupied. I helped volunteer yesterday earlier with my mom, and all three of us went to do shopping. I think it's ironic we did something selfless and something selfish. I was getting really ill-feeling off and on, I think from not eating much- my ED train of thought is really kicking back in. So long as it doesn't get too out of hand I don't really care. I haven't talked to my therapist about it, or my shrink, but Fencer found out about it. That makes me really mad. It amazes me what people will ignore when it's right in front of them- Leprechaun ignoring my refusal of him, Fencer and ignoring my Sir, and my tendencies toward an ED, my parents not realizing their child is fucked up and not just going through adolescence, everyone else for realizing I wasn't happy and not taking the time to ask me about it even a little, even so much as how my day went. Ask me what the fuck those scars came from. Was it really just a scratch from whatever excuse I just gave you? My arms right now that i scoured with the nail brush, was it really the fucking stairs I got carpet burn from? Do you believe everything I tell you or do you believe what you see?
I can't believe people will ignore all the signs stacking up in front of their very eyes and continue to make excuse after excuse and make their own lies for you.
They just don't want to see the truth staring them in the face.

I will fucking MAKE them see me.