recap the past few days...
Saturday- went to sleep friday night at 5am or so (sat morning :P), woke up at 11. Felt nauseous going to bathroom- poss. b/c of not eating much night before/day before. Took a bath/ read more in Natural Healing book. Got out and started obsessing and feeling awful about Boy #2. Weighed self- 147.5, not great; I was disappointed. Got dressed, still obsessing. Took meds- double of a-D and one adderall, multi-v, and some metabolife. mustn't have caffeine. Eyes were dry from either lack of sleep or dehydration-> drinking lots of water seemed to help. Ate stirfry and cheesestick. Think cheese is too greasy, also caused drainage. Felt a bit ill after eating, but stopped obsessing. Drew for a bit, continued reading alternately and drawing. Had to put down book sometime in the afternoon because the words weren't making sense (like reading the Neo-Plasticism Manifesto, repeated words stopped making sense.) Started on Cd project, stopped, went back to doing many things. Not finishing projects, obviously. ::sigh:: Destroyed legs again later that night, I think, when I was in a fairly good mood. I can't stop. I think higher stimulants from metabolife/sugar/meds influences it....and being fucked over by people. I wish my doctor had taken it more seriously. Didn't take Topomax.
Sunday- missed Church, made parents mad. Still not sleeping right. Got up at 1230, took bath, got out at 230. I am spending far too much time in the bathroom. I want a fucking clock in there. Eggtimer. Something. Made lists with Mom for detox diet, stuff for back-to-school volunteer thing. Saw Pirates with Dad. Didn't eat until after that, which was after 5. ate brownies, which was a mistake. Huge carbohydrate binge, brownies, rice in stirfry, yogurt, etc. Will wreck havoc with me for the rest of the week. Didn't take meds in morning because it was so late. Made plans with Miss Kitty for Tuesday and for #2 for weekend to see Clerks 2. His new girlfriend's name is Angel. She'd just left. She'd been there all weekend. If I hadn't asked, was he going to tell me? Felt sad, but not too awful. Didn't take Topomax.
Monday- woke up late again. Took Wellbutrin but not Adderall. Got outside with mom to cut roses and wash dog. Sweaty but sun felt good. I was in an elevated mood all the rest of the day, although a bit burned. Very very giddy by about 5-7. Euphoric, almost. Talked very fast. Didn't have any caffeine except a mountain dew (diet) about 3. Still continued dairy/protein/carb binge, with no fiber. It does cause drainage. Not so much the yogurt but definitely milk and cheese. I think I had a problem with the Yoplait thick stuff, the kind that sticks to the spoon. I looked at the ingredients, and there's corn syrup AND corn starch in it. Does that cause gluten? The starch? I know it's in there to thicken it. There's not supposed to be fucking corn syrup or corn in yogurt!!! Christ! I think it made my blood sugar go nuts. I really wanted to talk to people, to do things. Mom went to bed early so I was cut off from computer. I think detox will be very good for resetting gut bacteria, and breaking caffeine and sugar addictions. (But damnit I like caffeine!). Sir has said to watch what I eat, but no restrictions. That's fine, this diet will be restrictive enough. Took Kelah for walk at 10, only for 15 minutes. Practiced walking up straight, shoulders back and neck/head up, making self tall and lean. This was more strenuous than just normal walking. Need to work on posture more. Kept thinking of Marilyn Monroe's little walk in Some Like It Hot. Watched Stepford wives. Took Top. around 12, could not fall asleep until close to four. It no longer puts me to sleep. I feel this is rather a problem.
Tuesday= Today- something is very wrong. I took my meds, 1 adderall, 1 wellbutrin. woke up at 930 to leave at 11 with mom; I still had wet hair and was 10 minutes late, but overall presentable. Also got distracted by the Workbook, so didn't go as fast as I should have. Really want to time myself on morning routine. Felt good except for feeling very fat (definite difference in jeans/tummy). Upset about this. Went with mom to see Brother Chip's wife the Pullip :). Started feeling awkward. Drank some coffee with milk on the way there- caused drainage of course. Must eliminate milk, this is annoying and fucks my voice up. Envious of how skinny she is, and how great at art she is. It makes me sad. Took my Pullip mini's to visit her Pullips. Would've liked to play with them (and I'm how old? :P). Started feeling a bit cut off when she'd ask me about stuff, I'd explain, and then she'd seem to stop paying attention. Mood dropped a lot as we went to lunch, starting with Mom backing her car up. It was making me agitated and nervous with the curb and everyone seeming to watch from inside the restaurant and I just wanted her to go park farther up the street someplace easier. Went in and lots of men for lunch crowd, who eyed me the whole time. Older men, not hot men, married-ish age, over 30, and some in their 40s. It made me very anxious and I hated being in the center of the room instead of on the wall, which would've felt more private. It was loud and things echoed and it was very distracting and agitating and conversation switched between my mother and myself, with Pullip asking questions. It put me off, I don't know why. I don't want to talk about school, I don't want to talk about the sorority or rush. Or food. It was just awkward. And I kept noticing these men looking at me and I hated it, hated it, hated it. I wanted it to be less loud so I could hear. I felt gross for eating. I didn't want to eat with these people watching me. It felt gross and wrong and bad and why would they? I don't look good! And so we left and got to go to the Farmer's market and before we left Pullip's place Mom asked me if I was okay because my "mood deteriorated over lunch" and I felt irritated that she knew anything was wrong with me because I was willing to bet she would have passed over it before. Asked me this morning if I was taking my meds faithfully and I said "Yes" and giddly thinking "No!" and she said that dad had said I was up until 3. LIKE I AM NOT ALWAYS UP UNTIL 3 FOR AT LEAST THE PAST 3 WEEKS!!!!! OR MOST OF THE SUMMER!!! OR ALWAYS!Idiots. It doesn't make me sleep anymore. I took unisom the other night when #2 told me about his g/f the first time and it took over an hour to kick in instead of my happy 3o minutes. Whether that's the gelcaps being different or me i don't know. I miss my damn blue normal pills. At least I don't feel tired right now. I suppose that's good. At any rate, back to the point, I was very close to crying on and off, felt like I could not handle heat, noise, or crowds, and was afraid of all 3 being at the Farmer's Market. But we went anyway and it was really fun and I perked right up. I drank the rest of my coffeemilk before we left. Did that help? Why didn't it help before? Was it blood sugar? Suspicious paranoia? What's wrong with me? I need to take my meds regularly, I know. I need to wean off my caffeine. I need to be on a routine, a set schedule, wake up at the same time every day and exercise every day at the very least, and keep a clean room.
I'm hoping the detox will eliminate diet as an influence factor of my moods, and then reintroducing them may prove some of them culprit to aggravating, perhaps, some of these problems.
It starts tomorrow. ALl the scheduling does too. I really hope I see some improvement, because I truly do believe holistic medicine is more effective than western.
Sunday- missed Church, made parents mad. Still not sleeping right. Got up at 1230, took bath, got out at 230. I am spending far too much time in the bathroom. I want a fucking clock in there. Eggtimer. Something. Made lists with Mom for detox diet, stuff for back-to-school volunteer thing. Saw Pirates with Dad. Didn't eat until after that, which was after 5. ate brownies, which was a mistake. Huge carbohydrate binge, brownies, rice in stirfry, yogurt, etc. Will wreck havoc with me for the rest of the week. Didn't take meds in morning because it was so late. Made plans with Miss Kitty for Tuesday and for #2 for weekend to see Clerks 2. His new girlfriend's name is Angel. She'd just left. She'd been there all weekend. If I hadn't asked, was he going to tell me? Felt sad, but not too awful. Didn't take Topomax.
Monday- woke up late again. Took Wellbutrin but not Adderall. Got outside with mom to cut roses and wash dog. Sweaty but sun felt good. I was in an elevated mood all the rest of the day, although a bit burned. Very very giddy by about 5-7. Euphoric, almost. Talked very fast. Didn't have any caffeine except a mountain dew (diet) about 3. Still continued dairy/protein/carb binge, with no fiber. It does cause drainage. Not so much the yogurt but definitely milk and cheese. I think I had a problem with the Yoplait thick stuff, the kind that sticks to the spoon. I looked at the ingredients, and there's corn syrup AND corn starch in it. Does that cause gluten? The starch? I know it's in there to thicken it. There's not supposed to be fucking corn syrup or corn in yogurt!!! Christ! I think it made my blood sugar go nuts. I really wanted to talk to people, to do things. Mom went to bed early so I was cut off from computer. I think detox will be very good for resetting gut bacteria, and breaking caffeine and sugar addictions. (But damnit I like caffeine!). Sir has said to watch what I eat, but no restrictions. That's fine, this diet will be restrictive enough. Took Kelah for walk at 10, only for 15 minutes. Practiced walking up straight, shoulders back and neck/head up, making self tall and lean. This was more strenuous than just normal walking. Need to work on posture more. Kept thinking of Marilyn Monroe's little walk in Some Like It Hot. Watched Stepford wives. Took Top. around 12, could not fall asleep until close to four. It no longer puts me to sleep. I feel this is rather a problem.
Tuesday= Today- something is very wrong. I took my meds, 1 adderall, 1 wellbutrin. woke up at 930 to leave at 11 with mom; I still had wet hair and was 10 minutes late, but overall presentable. Also got distracted by the Workbook, so didn't go as fast as I should have. Really want to time myself on morning routine. Felt good except for feeling very fat (definite difference in jeans/tummy). Upset about this. Went with mom to see Brother Chip's wife the Pullip :). Started feeling awkward. Drank some coffee with milk on the way there- caused drainage of course. Must eliminate milk, this is annoying and fucks my voice up. Envious of how skinny she is, and how great at art she is. It makes me sad. Took my Pullip mini's to visit her Pullips. Would've liked to play with them (and I'm how old? :P). Started feeling a bit cut off when she'd ask me about stuff, I'd explain, and then she'd seem to stop paying attention. Mood dropped a lot as we went to lunch, starting with Mom backing her car up. It was making me agitated and nervous with the curb and everyone seeming to watch from inside the restaurant and I just wanted her to go park farther up the street someplace easier. Went in and lots of men for lunch crowd, who eyed me the whole time. Older men, not hot men, married-ish age, over 30, and some in their 40s. It made me very anxious and I hated being in the center of the room instead of on the wall, which would've felt more private. It was loud and things echoed and it was very distracting and agitating and conversation switched between my mother and myself, with Pullip asking questions. It put me off, I don't know why. I don't want to talk about school, I don't want to talk about the sorority or rush. Or food. It was just awkward. And I kept noticing these men looking at me and I hated it, hated it, hated it. I wanted it to be less loud so I could hear. I felt gross for eating. I didn't want to eat with these people watching me. It felt gross and wrong and bad and why would they? I don't look good! And so we left and got to go to the Farmer's market and before we left Pullip's place Mom asked me if I was okay because my "mood deteriorated over lunch" and I felt irritated that she knew anything was wrong with me because I was willing to bet she would have passed over it before. Asked me this morning if I was taking my meds faithfully and I said "Yes" and giddly thinking "No!" and she said that dad had said I was up until 3. LIKE I AM NOT ALWAYS UP UNTIL 3 FOR AT LEAST THE PAST 3 WEEKS!!!!! OR MOST OF THE SUMMER!!! OR ALWAYS!Idiots. It doesn't make me sleep anymore. I took unisom the other night when #2 told me about his g/f the first time and it took over an hour to kick in instead of my happy 3o minutes. Whether that's the gelcaps being different or me i don't know. I miss my damn blue normal pills. At least I don't feel tired right now. I suppose that's good. At any rate, back to the point, I was very close to crying on and off, felt like I could not handle heat, noise, or crowds, and was afraid of all 3 being at the Farmer's Market. But we went anyway and it was really fun and I perked right up. I drank the rest of my coffeemilk before we left. Did that help? Why didn't it help before? Was it blood sugar? Suspicious paranoia? What's wrong with me? I need to take my meds regularly, I know. I need to wean off my caffeine. I need to be on a routine, a set schedule, wake up at the same time every day and exercise every day at the very least, and keep a clean room.
I'm hoping the detox will eliminate diet as an influence factor of my moods, and then reintroducing them may prove some of them culprit to aggravating, perhaps, some of these problems.
It starts tomorrow. ALl the scheduling does too. I really hope I see some improvement, because I truly do believe holistic medicine is more effective than western.
posted by Etoile @ 15:02
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