Day 2
Took double my meds this morning. Slept until about 11, I think, and got up at 12:30. I laid in the dark in my room for that hour and a half or so, drifting in and out of sleep and trying not to think about last night. My 2nd ex told me he has a new girl. He told me in a very inconsiderate way, considering how he's been chasing after me for the past year, popping in and out of my life telling me everything I want to hear and making promises and, in general, fucking with my head and not letting me move on like I want to after dealing with such a miserable break up. I said I expected it, and that he changed all the time and I just needed someone who wasn't like that. And he said he knew, and he was sorry, and he really did sound sorry. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part....But all the same...And we're supposed to go to lunch sometime. Maybe I'll actually have the guts to ask him what I really want to ask...if part of why he left originally was because of me, and if he was really sorry about it or if he was just sorry for himself that the choices he made didn't work out as planned, and so settled on me as an ego boost, or whatever.
So I decided last night that no one who ever tells me that they love me ever truly means it. My mind was screaming big huge neon I TOLD YOU SOs and all I kept thinking was how nobody loved me, everyone lied, they all left, what a fool I was to trust what people said, and how I could I believe that anyone would want an ugly crazy fucked up incompetent little idiot like me was ludicrous, and even if they did despite all that my fears and insecurities probably drove them away, so either way it really was ALL MY FAULT. He kept me hanging on so long, I hated that I let myself love him at all, that he could get me to feel this angry, angry with myself for still wanting to believe in fairy tale endings, and everything was so fucked up and rushing and wouldn't shut up so I went downstairs and took 2 unisom and went to the drawer and got a boxcutter, some antiseptic, and a bandaid. Upstairs in my bathroom...and all of a sudden, some clarity and I almost calmed down, I called ex #3 and told him about it, and I felt so stupid, so very stupid, for thinking that I could deserve to be loved or respected. But also a tiny bit relieved, that this thing hanging over me from #2 for the past year would be gone, and that maybe I could finally get over him, and have that be one less thing complicating my life.
And then my Sir called. And we talked, and he was angry that someone cut me up before he got to, and we discussed my telling #3 about Sir owning me. And that part was actually kind of fun. Sir said he felt sympathetic that #3 would be angry, because I really didn't break it kindly, it just kind of spilled out, but that he felt that the only reason why #3 didn't see it was because he didn't want to. not a direct quote but close:
-Seriously, just as a heterosexual male, wouldn't you be the least bit curious about what your girlfriend and some other guy are texting back and forth about for hours during your D&D game? Or when you ask her how late she stayed up and she says 6, and you ask why, and she says she talked to her penpal for 4 hours on the phone? Yeah, because penpals DO that. Because penpals send you beautiful handmade earrings and presents...- and i said also that he is a sadist and the fact that i'm a masochist and #3 knows these things and knows we've been friends for 5 years should at least imply the question in one's brain of "do they have a history?"
Overall I suppose once I got up I felt okay, although I keep having these bursts of bad thinking that are #2 and relationship-related and that I am ugly and no one wants me, etc.
But I paid my bills, and I found I did NOT overdraw my account, I made a list of ways to cut back on my spending for next semester, and talked with my mom without getting into a fight, and found I weigh 148lbs right now, which is more than I want to weigh but less than I thought I did.
My boyfriends have treated me better when I'm thinner. ._. It's part motivation and part very depressing.
I haven't been very hungry today. 2 cups of coffee and half a thing of yogurt. I pigged out yesterday, I really don't feel like eating a lot today, but I'm hungry now and should eat something.
I talked with my mom about my concerns about medication. She raised me with the belief that God made everyone perfect as they are, with a plan for them. Then isn't it wrong for me to fuck with the brain chemistry I was meant to have?
My mom talked about how the blessings bestowed on people from leading godlike-lives pass down for 1000 generations, but the curses from sinful lives pass down 4 generations. So who sins am I making up for? My grandfather's alcoholism? I don't know. Sidenote---My friend Gumshoe's letter said something similar. In talking to one of his relatives, he came to find out either he acts a lot like his ancestors or they acted a lot like him. So he was wondering now if it was really the events in his life he had considered what made him become the person he is today or if he would be like this anyway because it's in his heritage. And here I go having almost the same kind of conversation, just with religious overtones. Nature vs. nuture. Hmmm.
How do psychiatrists decide what's a disorder? How can you decide from the DMVIV if a person has this or that? I understand they go to school for years but still. That thing is fucking vague. Who sponsors the studies into these so-called disorders? Pharmaceutical companies? Aren't they just pushing drugs unnecessarily on us? Fixing symptoms doesn't cure the problem!!!!
If we know actually very little of how the brain works, why on earth are we prescribing medicines for mental disorders that we don't know how they work?????
Why are weight gain and loss of sex drive acceptable side effects in an anti-depressant when normally those things help CAUSE depression?
If 5 million people have a certain mental disorder, maybe that's just normal for them. (You know, one man's trash is another man's treasure kind of thing). Who dictates what is NORMAL? For myself, why is my diagnosis what it is? How do you differentiate between having a good happy week and hypomania? Who decides this shit? What's the difference between ADD's hyperfocus and me doing better in classes I'm interested in and not so hot in things I don't like? How is that different?
Do people who don't have earlobes have an earlobe-less disorder? Only 8% of the women in the population have what's truly an "Hourglass figure". Does that mean that they physically have some kind of fat placement disorder? WTF?
I am grinding my teeth a bit today because of the adderall, but chewing gum is helping, and i did not make my bed and my room and bathroom are messy, but i'll pick them up before bed time. I need to eat dinner at some point.
I do not feel anxious except for the sporadic bad thoughts, but there's steps to be taken. Compared to last night I feel great.
So I decided last night that no one who ever tells me that they love me ever truly means it. My mind was screaming big huge neon I TOLD YOU SOs and all I kept thinking was how nobody loved me, everyone lied, they all left, what a fool I was to trust what people said, and how I could I believe that anyone would want an ugly crazy fucked up incompetent little idiot like me was ludicrous, and even if they did despite all that my fears and insecurities probably drove them away, so either way it really was ALL MY FAULT. He kept me hanging on so long, I hated that I let myself love him at all, that he could get me to feel this angry, angry with myself for still wanting to believe in fairy tale endings, and everything was so fucked up and rushing and wouldn't shut up so I went downstairs and took 2 unisom and went to the drawer and got a boxcutter, some antiseptic, and a bandaid. Upstairs in my bathroom...and all of a sudden, some clarity and I almost calmed down, I called ex #3 and told him about it, and I felt so stupid, so very stupid, for thinking that I could deserve to be loved or respected. But also a tiny bit relieved, that this thing hanging over me from #2 for the past year would be gone, and that maybe I could finally get over him, and have that be one less thing complicating my life.
And then my Sir called. And we talked, and he was angry that someone cut me up before he got to, and we discussed my telling #3 about Sir owning me. And that part was actually kind of fun. Sir said he felt sympathetic that #3 would be angry, because I really didn't break it kindly, it just kind of spilled out, but that he felt that the only reason why #3 didn't see it was because he didn't want to. not a direct quote but close:
-Seriously, just as a heterosexual male, wouldn't you be the least bit curious about what your girlfriend and some other guy are texting back and forth about for hours during your D&D game? Or when you ask her how late she stayed up and she says 6, and you ask why, and she says she talked to her penpal for 4 hours on the phone? Yeah, because penpals DO that. Because penpals send you beautiful handmade earrings and presents...- and i said also that he is a sadist and the fact that i'm a masochist and #3 knows these things and knows we've been friends for 5 years should at least imply the question in one's brain of "do they have a history?"
Overall I suppose once I got up I felt okay, although I keep having these bursts of bad thinking that are #2 and relationship-related and that I am ugly and no one wants me, etc.
But I paid my bills, and I found I did NOT overdraw my account, I made a list of ways to cut back on my spending for next semester, and talked with my mom without getting into a fight, and found I weigh 148lbs right now, which is more than I want to weigh but less than I thought I did.
My boyfriends have treated me better when I'm thinner. ._. It's part motivation and part very depressing.
I haven't been very hungry today. 2 cups of coffee and half a thing of yogurt. I pigged out yesterday, I really don't feel like eating a lot today, but I'm hungry now and should eat something.
I talked with my mom about my concerns about medication. She raised me with the belief that God made everyone perfect as they are, with a plan for them. Then isn't it wrong for me to fuck with the brain chemistry I was meant to have?
My mom talked about how the blessings bestowed on people from leading godlike-lives pass down for 1000 generations, but the curses from sinful lives pass down 4 generations. So who sins am I making up for? My grandfather's alcoholism? I don't know. Sidenote---My friend Gumshoe's letter said something similar. In talking to one of his relatives, he came to find out either he acts a lot like his ancestors or they acted a lot like him. So he was wondering now if it was really the events in his life he had considered what made him become the person he is today or if he would be like this anyway because it's in his heritage. And here I go having almost the same kind of conversation, just with religious overtones. Nature vs. nuture. Hmmm.
How do psychiatrists decide what's a disorder? How can you decide from the DMVIV if a person has this or that? I understand they go to school for years but still. That thing is fucking vague. Who sponsors the studies into these so-called disorders? Pharmaceutical companies? Aren't they just pushing drugs unnecessarily on us? Fixing symptoms doesn't cure the problem!!!!
If we know actually very little of how the brain works, why on earth are we prescribing medicines for mental disorders that we don't know how they work?????
Why are weight gain and loss of sex drive acceptable side effects in an anti-depressant when normally those things help CAUSE depression?
If 5 million people have a certain mental disorder, maybe that's just normal for them. (You know, one man's trash is another man's treasure kind of thing). Who dictates what is NORMAL? For myself, why is my diagnosis what it is? How do you differentiate between having a good happy week and hypomania? Who decides this shit? What's the difference between ADD's hyperfocus and me doing better in classes I'm interested in and not so hot in things I don't like? How is that different?
Do people who don't have earlobes have an earlobe-less disorder? Only 8% of the women in the population have what's truly an "Hourglass figure". Does that mean that they physically have some kind of fat placement disorder? WTF?
I am grinding my teeth a bit today because of the adderall, but chewing gum is helping, and i did not make my bed and my room and bathroom are messy, but i'll pick them up before bed time. I need to eat dinner at some point.
I do not feel anxious except for the sporadic bad thoughts, but there's steps to be taken. Compared to last night I feel great.
posted by Etoile @ 20:47
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