update

Yay! So I got my room cleaned up. I've been fairly organized and on top of things, and all the prep work for Fall Recruitment is fairly smooth.
I got my books reserved and all ready for class but I still need to get my ID validated and my parking permit. I want to hopefully get that done before the freshmen get here, so it'll be out of the way. Hair's done, nails are done.
I got my top braces put on Thursday and they really really hurt. I can't chew gum anymore, or any kind of chips or pizza or crackers. It sucks. Oh well, price you have to pay and all that. I've been living off Smoothie King and soup and oatmeal, although I haven't eaten in a couple days before. It's very nice to lose 3 pounds in a day. I'm down to 143 as of yesterday morning, although it's probably different now. I lost 8 pounds last year during Rush, I hope to lose more with the braces impeding eating.
We've got more work to do after the break so I've got to pick up my room some and get a bite to eat.
I can't believe school starts next week.
By this time on Monday the girls will be running to us. I'm very excited! It's a relief to feel like it's not going to be as bad as I kept worrying that it might be. I've relaxed a lot on that part.

I've got a problem though still with my meds- I still think my meds are unbalanced. Lately my skin like it's crawling and itching all over, sounds are way too loud at times and it's bordering on unbearable. I don't think it's that I'm unclean or things that I've eaten. I think caffeine may make it worse. I tried taking more of my mood stabilizer to see if that would help -hasn't seemed to yet, I just get hot from not being able to sweat properly- if it was a hypomanic/manic delusional symptom but it hasn't really. It set in thursday night; the itching...I couldn't sleep it was so bad. I'm fairly convinced I've been hypomanic lately, or at least last week and probably this week. I have no time off until Thursday but my shrink is only in the office M-W. But I can try and see my therapist and ask her opinion. The itching bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like I'm not clean, and then I want to wash things and scour my skin off--but i don't...not yet.
It also worries me because I looked up side effects of Adderall, and came across the symptoms of MS some how--> oh, because of the skin crawling, and the symptoms of MS attacks are similar to the side effects of Topamax. It makes me worry. Not seriously, but just a little. Because I don't remember this skin crawling ever being like this before. I think my dosage of mood stabilizer has just crapped out on me, I guess.
I'm going to go look up the side effects of my drugs now.

musings

I told Leprechaun Sunday that he didn't have a shot in hell with me. It went well. Ugh. Boys are so fucking retarded. But at least it's plainly said and in the clear, and I told him plainly not to ask me out again, ever. Never going to happen. And that I value his friendship, and that I don't want our friendship to get messed up. I said all this more kindly than I'm saying it here, because I'm still irritated that I couldn't say every single mean thing I want to and that it came down to having a discussion about it when I denied him 3x before, like I wrote about before. It makes me very irate. But it was all gone through and over and done with, so now I won't fuss over it for the next few months and acutally REALLY explode on him. Now I just have to worry about him still pining over me and irritating me and then me getting drunk and telling him some of those awful things. But I think I can swing that.
I don't understand why I attract all these guys I have no interest in. They fall at my feet and it throws me off. I don't see anything here worthwhile. I am not perfect! I want to scream at them. Whatever it is that they find attractive I want to carve off myself.

I just want to find that damn Skydoll comic now.

I got my cavity filled monday, but I think they did the wrong tooth. Idiots. That kind of killed my whole day. I was very out of it. I missed my meds in the morning and basically just slept a lot. I want to sleep pretty much all the time if I miss the adderall and the wellbutrin- proof I think of depression...that and the crying at night once it's worn off and feeling horrible and irritable even while on it off and on throughout the day and having the body-image problems haunting me nearly constantly. I haven't been eating much.
Thinking about Cheschire makes me feel sick. I wish I hadn't been such a coward. I ruin everything by being too afraid to do things. Miss out on opportunities.

I haven't done much. I got to see my old roomie, Flirt, yesterday and go shopping with her. Got more bras and undies. It was a lot of fun. I was supposed to see her today too but I guess my battery got jilted in my phone because it wasn't turning on, and I have since fixed it but now I can't get ahold of her. Her boy is in town though so she's probably...occupied. I helped volunteer yesterday earlier with my mom, and all three of us went to do shopping. I think it's ironic we did something selfless and something selfish. I was getting really ill-feeling off and on, I think from not eating much- my ED train of thought is really kicking back in. So long as it doesn't get too out of hand I don't really care. I haven't talked to my therapist about it, or my shrink, but Fencer found out about it. That makes me really mad. It amazes me what people will ignore when it's right in front of them- Leprechaun ignoring my refusal of him, Fencer and ignoring my Sir, and my tendencies toward an ED, my parents not realizing their child is fucked up and not just going through adolescence, everyone else for realizing I wasn't happy and not taking the time to ask me about it even a little, even so much as how my day went. Ask me what the fuck those scars came from. Was it really just a scratch from whatever excuse I just gave you? My arms right now that i scoured with the nail brush, was it really the fucking stairs I got carpet burn from? Do you believe everything I tell you or do you believe what you see?
I can't believe people will ignore all the signs stacking up in front of their very eyes and continue to make excuse after excuse and make their own lies for you.
They just don't want to see the truth staring them in the face.

I will fucking MAKE them see me.

pills and boys

I find it saddening to think the only thing keeping me balanced is my medication, and it's really alarming to find it's not doing it's job, which was always a big fear of mine in going into therapy and getting help to begin with.

It's one of the reasons why I never wanted to get help for so long, because so many medications stop working, or you have to keep tinkering with doses and adding this and that to balance everything out and deal with horrible side effects and then when something works it stops working and you have to start with something new and repeat the whole awful cycle. I know this because I've had so many friends who are equally or more fucked up than I am.

It scares me to be dependent on something and know that eventually this stabilizing thing will give out.

I think I've been in a mixed state, now that I understand a bit more of what that means. But I think it's gone now and I'm fully into a depression, because coming back from the therapist and missing a few days of my adderall and wellbutrin I crashed out and slept for a really long time. And I'm getting sleepy in the afternoons, and well, just want to sleep a lot.
Which is completely reversed from how agitated and nervous and unsleepy I have been.
And my thoughts aren't good, and I'm not happy.
I've hit the wall again, just in time for school. Yay.

Looking back, I think I've probably always, or at least previously in some years had a bit of trouble going back to school just because it's a new change to a routine, and probably just a come down from being happier earlier in the summer. All the little anxious ocd-ish tendencies and obsessions are coming back stronger and stronger, meds or no meds. I think my body is rebelling against the stimulant properties of the adderall and wellbutrin, and that's why i get so agitated and angry, because i can't just be depressed and sleep like my body is wanting to. Maybe, i don't know. It's just a theory.

So I'm definitely going to bump them up. I might even call my doc to up them now on Monday before it gets worse, because it is getting worse. I'm relying on Unisom to get to sleep for two weeks off and on, and my sleep cycle is really shot now becuase of my two days of sleeping. And I know I could've slept more if my parents hadn't interfered.

I don't know why I can't just be normal and take everything in stride like everyone else. I hate these fucking mood swings just because they're an inconvenience.

Gray called me out of the blue yesterday and it was so nice to talk to her again. She's having a lot of the same problems I am, and it seems like her new shrink is doing her a lot of good.

My friend the Leprechaun is still persisting. I've turned him down 3 times and he still asked me if he could take me out on a date. I said I didn't know. I want to ask him what he thinks of that girl who was following him around begging him for a date and to fuck her and take her virginity and how even though she was hot he just didn't feel any chemistry, and how he said it was just too easy and he wasn't even interested. And then when he tells me he thinks she's lame/easy/pathetic or whatever, I want to tell him that that's how he's starting to come off to me and he needs to stop. Or ask him if he really listens to what I say and enjoys our conversations, or if he just hangs out with me because I'm hot. And when he says of course I respect you or whatever, then I want to ask him why he's not listening to me when I say I don't want to date him. Does he think I'm being coy or being hard to get? He's made it endlessly apparent that he was interested all last year. I know I could have him if I wanted. The fact that #3, the Fencer (to give him some kind of name, I guess, because he's interested in swords), broke up me several times to go back to his ex and left me and I could have gone out with Mr. Leprechaun but chose not to and instead went back to Fencer should have screamed out to any guy, I would think, I DO NOT WANT TO DATE YOU. But apparently not. I'm getting really fucking frustrated with this. I do not want to not hang out with Leprechaun, for us to not be friends because any attention I pay him gets his hopes up. But he worships me. If I say jump, he'll say how high. I don't want that in a guy I'll date. He's also my age and not very experienced with dating girls and how to be a gentleman, so basically I'd be holding his hand and walking him through on propriety and how to be a good boyfriend for the next girl who comes along, and just be a teacher. I can do that as a fucking friend. I like my guys a little more suave, worldly, and smooth, guys I can learn a lot from and respect. And he can be a bit of a jackass. Basically, I just want to tell him, "You aren't man enough to date me."
Nevermind the fact I'm not attracted to him, in the least, and our personalities don't really mesh well enough and I know we would fight a lot (because he's and Aquarius and I'm a Taurus), and I'm not comfortable with the idea of breaking down in front of him. I've known him for a year now, and there's nothing in that year that's made me feel like dating him. So he's got nothing left to prove. We wouldn't be able to relate well enough. I tried dating someone on another level than me with #1, The Loser, and I refuse to do so again. It's not worth it.
I don't want to have to worry about him fucking up our friendship or hitting on me or having feelings. I don't want to have to lose my friend. But this idiotic persistence when I have fucking said I don't want to date him is PATHETIC. AND I DETEST IT.

I just need to tell him he hasn't got a single chance in hell with me.

sleeping

I slept a really long time today. I had to get lab work done and so i had to get up really early, but because of talking to my Sir I was up late, and then I couldn't sleep. I came back and slept for 5 more hours. I miss him and I want to talk to him.


I saw pictures of my crazy Cancer ex #2, and he looks so good. I suppose I should give him some sort of nickname. Cheshire Cat, I guess. Because he was a rabbit hole I went down because I was curious. And he was nice and charming and confusing and disappeared when I needed more help and left me all alone...but that smile lingers. So mutable. I suppose I shouldn't date a Cancer again. I think I need more stability than that.

I'm in a body-image crisis and I can't stand how I look.

Just all these things adding up again and I just....have to lock down and change. Because I really can't stand myself.

dentist and rambling

Finished signing up for classes. 15 hours. Got other appointments taken care of- I got my teeth cleaned, made an appointment to have a temporary fill made permanent, and made a consultation with an orthodonist, because my teeth grinding is caused by my teeth having moved so much back and off-set my bite.

My goal list of things to improve basically boils down to stop enjoying being lazy and bringing out my inner anal-rententive obsessive-compulsive demon, which I've worked so hard to bury too, so I can actually stay on top of things and stop forgetting everything under the sun and losing things, organizing, etc, so I don't freak out and get overwhelmed by projects that take a lot of steps or planning.
Now, I think all this also has something to do with responsibility and adulthood, which is also really irritating, but it has more to do with the fact I really don't like losing things, being late, or appearing like a complete ditz constantly, because everyone just gets mad at me and it keeps getting me into trouble. So now after years of everyone being at their wits' end as to what the hell to do with me and my childish behaviour (although there isn't a whole lot I can do about the short term memory except to plug all events into my phone with little alarms, but then I have to know where my phone is all the time) I've just heaved a big huge sigh and rolled my eyes and said "Fiiiiiiine, I guess I'll try, but I still think it's really lame."
So maybe I can minimize this whole irresponsible disorganize flaky bitch thing I have going on and actually give the impression I make the grades that I do, and not let my friends down because I've forgotten what's going on or make them wait an hour because I'm not ready. (although I still think being a teeny late for a date is a somewhat acceptable stereotype).

So I have to dig out all my obsessive tendencies I don't generally like to waste time on because I'd rather do something else and make them a priority. ::sigh::
But I'm tired of the conflict and I'd rather have people be proud of me than continue to be a nuisance and get yelled at, so it's easier (sort of) to switch over to that part of myself (Virgo rising sign) then to continue to make so many people unhappy.
I suppose if college had continued to be like high school and I didn't have as many social contacts it wouldn't be as much of a problem, because there wouldn't be as much to manage.
In that way I'm kind of looking forward to a job, because then it all goes to the same building, at least in general, and you aren't running across several acres with a ten minute deadline to get to the room you need to be at to turn in a paper/project/assignment for teacher/boss/supervisor or they'll lock you out of a room. For the most part you just have to worry about different floors, possibly wings, and fighting elevators and flights of stairs.
I heard of Bill Gate's new schools he set up. I believe there are 64 of them. I dig this- they are completely paperless and bookless. All the books are on the computers and so are the assignments, mostly. I can't believe the amount of paper used up in so-called paperless offices. We all know logging is bad and that paper can be recycled, but I read in my Readymade book about how paper is made, and paper can only be recycled a few times before it breaks down and is useless, so it's not renewable, and the bleaching process to make it white is HORRIBLE, tons of toxins, very scary.
------->I'm going to ramble on a bit now- One of the reasons I don't have big scary girly loopy handwriting is because in elementary school at some point, or maybe in middle school, they told us about recycling again and the importance of saving paper, and i realized how much more paper it took me to write with that kind of handwriting, and so I deliberately made my handwriting really small and thin and close so I'd get more out of the sheets. I try to write front and back too, but it's hard with ink sometimes. I also always really loved my brother's handwriting, and so it's also partly modelled after his, and in 9th grade i started developing (on purpose) a cross between print and cursive, so i could take notes faster, so that's why some of my letters look odd or I flip back and forth. I don't like straight printing, it takes longer to write. I like ball point pens best, and I hate ergonomic pens or squishy grips, or really big fat pens- big round pens make my writing a bit loopy and big. Some nicer pens that are weighted right, the nice metal ones, I like to use but I'm afraid of losing them or don't like that they can't be refilled with new cartridges. I like pens that click, and twist out, but I break or unscrew them or somehow mess up the spring, etc. I *ALWAYS* break off the clips on the pens (unless they're the really nice heavy metal pens i just mentioned that cost like ten bucks, because they won't break). I chew on bic pen caps. The sound of someone writing on a piece of paper with a pen or pencil on a desk without a paper pad underneath drives me crazy. So does the feel of it if I forget and do it (the tip of the stylus, whatever it may be, catches on imperfections in the desk and makes a raspy noise, or catches on grooves and scratches if it's laminated or similar and fucks up my letters), so I always write in spiral notebooks or with several sheets (3 or more, not 2) underneath the first page. I have yet to find a gel pen that doesn't freeze up the ink on you, so after the last batch I bought (too many) I'm not going to buy anymore until they fucking foolproof it. I like uniballs liquid ink pens but they bleed and i doodle too much with them because they come in fun colours and waste the ink, and if the cap comes off they bleed in my backpack or on my page and waste the ink that way. It doesn't wash out of jeans either.



And there it is.

therapy day

Went back to school today with Mom to see my therapist in town. Had to get up at 8.

It was hard, because I'd taken 2 unisom and 3 ponstel that night so i could calm down and sleep. I did take my Topamax. I was getting very upset and freaked out and feeling very stressed. I don't remember why I felt so freaked, almost panicky, but I had such a tense feeling in my head, a not-quite-headache, possibly just from my muscles being so tensed or clenching my jaw or something, that it just felt like a pressure in my brain and it was so aggravating. I was pretty irate for a bit yesterday evening. I was very snappy and pissy all day. I just didn't feel good, mostly from my period, I think. I was pretty obsessive, doing things on the computer from about 330pm until 930pm, I think, when my mom kicked me off, and I didn't want to stop, and I was really pissed about it. Didn't eat much yesterday or drink much water, which probably contributed to my bitchiness. I think I fell asleep around 3 or so. Got 5 hours or so.

But all in all it all went pretty well, and I got almost everything done, and Mom and I decided to get the peace bear out to warn of impending Doom before we blow up at each other rather than waiting until we've hit our limit breaks. :) So that's good. And Mom has to work on just not taking it personally, and so do I when mom nags or forgets what I've said.
And i gave her my list of things I want to work on in our therapy sessions, and I think it'll all be good. I want to get this stuff down so I can stop screwing up so much and so next spring will go easier.
I explained to her about my being angry and pissed off yesterday and how I disliked the charts and how vague the symptoms were, because you can be depressed and upset and agitated and angry, but you can also be hypomanic and be like that or in a mixed state, and how I couldn't figure out where to put PISSED in that spectrum of "Manic" and "Depressed" with "Normal" in the middle. She said I sounded more like hypomanic. Whatever. I deter to the experts, I suppose.
I am definitely going to talk to my doc about upping my meds this next time. My moods are just all over the place and haven't been stable since mid-june. I don't know if that qualifies as a mixed state or what. But I really don't think my Topamax is levelling me out anymore, and that's bad. And I can't afford to have any crash and burns and this flip-flopping of my moods is really wearing me down. And I just want to have a good solid semester and go through Rush as smoothly as possible and focus on school and recruitment and sorority and get my grades up and find a job and get into a good routine of taking care of myself so the seasonal change won't hurt me so badly, and I can just overall be better.

And I really think I am capable of this, and I want to do it, because I'm tired of the fallout.

shopping yesterday

It went badly, because my mother is home, and has nothing better to do than to nag at me. I fucking MISS her working. I MISS not being alone in this fucking house. At the sorority house it gets depressing, because it's twenty people rather ignoring you. And that IS lonely. But being by oneself because the house is literally empty isn't lonely or bad. Because you're choosing to stay in that empty place. I never hang out at my house. I always go to my friend's houses. My house is not a hang out house. It's too formal and the furniture is too nice. You can't throw parties here. It sucks. My room is solely for me and has nothing to entertain people or others. The whole house is kind of like that. Just for us and not a whole lot to amuse other people. Barely anything to amuse me.
And I'd like to go get out and do stuff or walk around, but you have no fucking idea how much 100 degree weather kills that "get up and go do stuff" kind of mentality. The only peace from her that I have is if she goes to bed early. And then I can do what I like, if that something involved watching shows she disapproves of or movies that would interfere with something she wanted to watch, but not if i want to use the computer.
I need a hobby.
Knitting or crotcheting or something fucking mindless like that. Needlepoint.
Not scrapbooking, i'd make too huge a mess with all the left-over paper bits and I don't even take photos. Something where if I put it down it won't be left to scatter all over my room. I'm almost looking forward to rush. O.o Then there'll be no lack of mindless things to do over and over and over. ::smiles::

i went alone to the mall. And I'm not sure if I've ever done that before. I'm fairly positive I haven't. I went to the old one, because the new mall that's closer to my house is sprawled out and I don't know it because it's new and it's also outdoors. It's set up like...a little town or something. Apparently it's the "new thing" in mall design. I don't know who's fucking bright idea that was. "Well you can get right to where you want to go instead of parking and then walking around inside for ages." Oh no, no no you can't. There's parking spaces right out front of the stores, yes, but it's not like you'd ever really get one. You still have to park way far out, and then walk, in the fucking heat, or humidity, or frigid windy weather, or rain, or whatever, now instead of dodging groups of teenyboppers and strollers, you have to dodge the traffic in the parking lot itself, and then the traffic zipping down the cutesy little towne "streets" -all of which will be bumper-to-bumper during holiday time, people backing out of spaces and others screeching into them, AND all the pedestrians who are now confined to the sidewalks.
So.
Call me old-fashioned, I guess, but I want my malls like casinos- indoors, crowded, loud, noisy, where you lose track of all sense of time and wander aimlessly searching for that perfect score.

At any rate- yes, Towne East- the Victoria's Secret is right next to the Hot Topic, which i've always thought was very funny for some reason, so I stopped in the latter first to get some H20 spray for my ear, because I was out, even though ordering it online with shipping is cheaper, and then I went to V's Secret so I could use my coupon before it expired for free underwear.

And i have 3 more for this month. All in all I'm going to get 5 pairs of underwear worth 7.50 free from them. I love it.