ugh

I feel enormous.

I was very irritable earlier today.
Took meds, forgot to take them last night, which is bad.

This has gotta stop. I'm trying to work on it.

I went to v's secret today, I hate that the freaking mannequins make me feel inadequate.


Just got my period. I suppose that's a good thing. I don't like it. But at least if i feel ucky I have books to read.

continuity to the last entry, because of a comment

It bothers me because I consider both to be equally self-destructive and harmful behaviours, yet one is deemed less so by society even though it's much more costly and damaging over the long term.
It's self-abuse that's socially acceptable and it shouldn't be.
Likewise, it's okay by society's terms to drink yourself into toxicity and go to the ER to get your stomach pumped for a night of "fun" or because your boyfriend dumped you, but if your boyfriend dumps you and you cut yourself, all of a sudden, that's what's "sick". Never mind the alcohol poisoning is deadlier. A scratch on the skin, or burn, or whatever, is somehow much more "sick" than blotting out your memory completely through a bottle and burning a hole through your liver. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
And while I'm certain I'm probably a bit skewed, since I do have body-issue problems and self-esteem issues, do cut, and probably would have an eating disorder if I told my shrink and therapist the extent of some of my thoughts, and am diagnosed as being literally crazy, what with the bipolar and all, I also know that a) I am smart, and b) when I have explained this to my therapist, and friends, they said this made sense, and since I've yet to have a nervous breakdown that made me have to quit school entirely or fail in college, and still make the dean's list, I'm pretty sure I'm still coherent even with the tendency to soapbox.

And at any rate, I like ranting, it's fun. ^.^

But that doesn't mean I feel any less passionate about it.



I'm giving myself a complex again, what with Rush coming up again, and omg I do not want to deal with the pressure of that. It makes me want to quit the sorority every year. Thinking about it makes me incredibly anxious. I wish I had one of those shrinks who just doled out Rxs like children's Flinstones vitamins, and I could just pop Paxil like gumballs and zone out like a Barbie doll and float through uncomfortable things like Rush. I'm so glad our clothes are better this year. That will be an immense help. It'll be fine, I know it will be....so why do I feel like I need to go buy cigarettes now or breathe into a paper bag?????
But oh god the stress. Nails have to be perfect, feet have to be perfect, no tan lines, hair perfect, on and on. AND SMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like a pathological Barbie doll. Really, though, it's good fucking practice. I need to smile more. At least it's only going to be 3 days, I am not important this year, and I just get to run around and hurt my feet in heels and live on caffeine and diet soda and this year cigarettes and coffee and protein shakes. I hope I lose more than 8lbs. I lost that last year with perfection week and then Rush. I hope we get good girls too.

God, I have to call my brother and get that stylist's #.

I saw The Ant Bully yesterday in 3D with my brother and Pullip, who worked on animating it. A lot of her coworkers from DNA were there too, and I heard it got critiqued for being communist. Isn't that ridiculous? THEY'RE ANTS. OF COURSE THEY'RE MARXIST.

I went to Target today and got stuff for my room. Bulletin board, dry erase board with clock, The Devil Wears Prada, Choxie, and 2 adorable hoodies from their designer lines and a Marylin shirt. The designers lines they have in are AWESOME. OMG, if they keep these coming, screw Nordstroms (except the Rack) and i'll just come here for everything. They were so cute and very cheap.

I have to go back to school Wednesday to see my therapist, and my mother is going to try to come with me, although I've convinced her not to try and clean my room, and that 21 is damn well old enough to clean and organize my room without her. Not to mention it just stresses me the fuck out.


The Devil wears prada book is excellent, and so was the movie, but they make me feel awful for not being a size four. or weighing less than 110.



Like i said, complex.



life is complex.


ha.


That's okay, I've got a good enough excuse anyway for tomorrow from Sir.

Past few days (again)

I am still not getting up on time, although I am kind of going to bed earlier.
I'm eating a bit better. And I like the vitamins. I am drinking a lot of water and overall feel pretty good. Wednesday night I rubbed my skin off with a nailbrush obsessing about how dry it was. I had taken two wellbutrin in the morning. I will never do it again. I really do think it makes me OCD-ish. I wish my doctor had taken me more seriously! It was really bad, it IS really bad. About 6 inches long and 1/4" wide in some places, like a long scrape up my left arm. It hurts immensely, like a burn. And I really could not stop doing it. There's a smaller one on the inside of my arm too. It didn't bleed, but it tore off the skin pretty good and it could scar. I'm putting Burt's Bees Res-Q stuff on it. I didn't have enough bandaids for the whole thing. It scares me to think that I did that. But then again the zoning out and picking at my legs was scaring me too. Why didn't my doctor listen to me? I found a good lotion I like that isn't greasy. Gold Bond. Stays on for 24 hours. I use that when I get out of the shower in the morning and then grease up again at night with Vaseline Intensive Care. I'm hoping the vitamins and such in both will help prevent the pilaris to begin with so I won't pick. I should moisturize daily anyway, I don't want my skin to look like my mother's. The whole daily regimine thing saves time and money on expensive treatments later, like washing my face and using some anti-aging stuff. I want to go to a dermatologist and find out what kind of preventative measures I should take now in my 20s to avoid looking like shit by the time I hit my 29th birthday. I also want to chart my moles. I'm very scared of skin cancer since I got burned so badly those couple times when I was little. Vogue has an article on a new thing to worry about aging- the FOOT. Botox in the foot- I put on my foot creme and socks last night and it really does help even if i hate sleeping in socks and I hate that the Vaseline makes me feel hot and sticky. My skin is still nice and soft right now. I want to plan out my weekly routine of care. I started using a whitening stuff on my teeth too last night. I might as well before school starts. Especially for Rush.
I so very much do not want to deal with Rush. ._. But at least if I lose some weight with this detox and have nice white teeth and a tan there's a few less things to worry about.
Some company has a moisturizer out that's also a gradual self tanner and spf20. I want it! I'm going to invest in some self tanner stuff. I'm so tired of looking so damn pale all the time. If I ever move up North sometime I'll go back to my natural deathly pallor, but down here in the south it's just not cute. And I always look kind of ill next to other people in photos. Blindingly white. I'll never look as dark as some people, but that's not what I'm going for. I just want to look healthy. I've found out I actually get a nice colour when I use this tanning enhancer hemp cream and SPF 4 tanning oil. I need to do it some more these next few weeks before Rush so I even out face and chest compared to back, upper arms compared to lower arms, and belly to back, and legs. My legs are still really pale. It's not that hard to stay outside for about 20 minutes, even if it's hot. I feel like the sun is making me grow like a plant, at least my hair. And it seems to make me feel a lot better, moodwise. And even though I don't particularly like getting all greasy from the oil and sweaty, I think it clears up my skin and gets some of those toxins out. I wish we had a steam room. I loved the steam room at the gym in Houston when I went with #3. I liked being able to sit in there and feel my pores open up and feel my body sweat out the nasty, then be able to jump in the pool and get all cold and then do it again. I'm sure it'd be much better at a spa, where you could get in a cold tub or something that would have had tons of chlorine and god knows what in it.
I felt really good in South Padre over spring break, being able to swim and be in the sun.
I really hope I can live somewhere coastal for most of my life. Or at least have access to a pool and some kind of oasis. At least New York has gyms (pool) and Central Park (oasis). LA has ocean but it's toxic, I bet. And the air......hmm.
Sunlight and being out-of-doors are said to be key in maintaining good health/mood for bipolar in my book. It's The Natural Medicine Guide to Bipolar Disorder.

Isn't sunlight and being out of doors key to good health and mood for anyone? Isn't being in a cubicle during daylight hours and under flurouscent lights detrimental for everyone? (not to mention just how bad flurouscent lights make everyone look...ugh).

I still think our society makes us sick.
I keep thinking about how I want to go vegan or go organic but then I think about how much toxins I'm STILL exposed to no matter where I go and I almost want to think, FUCK IT, I'LL EAT WHATEVER I GODDAMN WANT. But I can't, it terrifies me. Cows aren't supposed to eat corn, they're supposed to eat grass. Why should they even be fed corn? Much less ground up bits of themselves? We aren't supposed to eat Red10, Blue40, or any of those dyes. Why are they added?
I'm afraid of what we're exposed to and what we eat, and the pills we are taking.


Why are they promoting things that kill us?


Why are anorexics and bulimics locked up and hospitilized for eating disorders, when overeating and being overweight cause more health problems, are just as self-destructive and self-injuring and abusive, and cause more money to be wasted on illnesses caused by it? Aren't they just as much at fault? Why don't we lock fat people up for eating themselves to death? Just because it takes longer to kill them? Ridiculous!



I don't understand these things.

Movies

I saw Pirates Sunday with dad, My super-ex girlfriend with Miss Kitty on Tuesday, and The Devil wears Prada with my mom and Pullip last night. I saw 3 movies in one week! These things do not happen! All fairly entertaining too. I would buy Pirates and Devil (Devil for the shoes). Pirates is just entertaining and campy. Keira Knightly trying to act sexy is sad and pathetic. I want to go see The Ant Bully this weekend, to support Pullip, my sis-in-law, since she animated it. So, anyone reading this, you go see it too and add to the box-office value. She worked really hard. And it's by the same guy who did Antz, if you liked that.
I'm mostly okay I think.
I don't know.
::sigh::
Hanging out with Miss Kitty on Tuesday and spending the night was really fun. I got to see American Psycho, which Leprechaun and #3 both said they enjoyed. I like his gloves. It makes me wonder though, that both of my guy friends like that movie. They liked a movie that has horrible despicable graphic violence towards women being cut up into pieces by a guy who doesn't even give a shit.Um.....what does this say about guys my age and how they treat/view girls? There's a scene in the movie where the girl he actually does sort of like, his mistress? I guess, is trying to talk to him and he's just not paying any attention, and I feel like that was me and #2. Just not connecting when it came to telling each other how we *really* feel.
I don't know.
I see that character in a lot of guys I know, and I find it disturbing.
Girls aren't bodies to be fucked and discarded, toying with and chopped up emotionally for amusement.
I don't think they get that.
"pursuit" "game" "hunt" "chase" "playa" "doll" "baby" --just look at the language.
And if a girl plays on those rules she's a slut and a tease.
Right.
What bullshit.
I hate boys.

I still miss #2.

recap the past few days...

Saturday- went to sleep friday night at 5am or so (sat morning :P), woke up at 11. Felt nauseous going to bathroom- poss. b/c of not eating much night before/day before. Took a bath/ read more in Natural Healing book. Got out and started obsessing and feeling awful about Boy #2. Weighed self- 147.5, not great; I was disappointed. Got dressed, still obsessing. Took meds- double of a-D and one adderall, multi-v, and some metabolife. mustn't have caffeine. Eyes were dry from either lack of sleep or dehydration-> drinking lots of water seemed to help. Ate stirfry and cheesestick. Think cheese is too greasy, also caused drainage. Felt a bit ill after eating, but stopped obsessing. Drew for a bit, continued reading alternately and drawing. Had to put down book sometime in the afternoon because the words weren't making sense (like reading the Neo-Plasticism Manifesto, repeated words stopped making sense.) Started on Cd project, stopped, went back to doing many things. Not finishing projects, obviously. ::sigh:: Destroyed legs again later that night, I think, when I was in a fairly good mood. I can't stop. I think higher stimulants from metabolife/sugar/meds influences it....and being fucked over by people. I wish my doctor had taken it more seriously. Didn't take Topomax.

Sunday- missed Church, made parents mad. Still not sleeping right. Got up at 1230, took bath, got out at 230. I am spending far too much time in the bathroom. I want a fucking clock in there. Eggtimer. Something. Made lists with Mom for detox diet, stuff for back-to-school volunteer thing. Saw Pirates with Dad. Didn't eat until after that, which was after 5. ate brownies, which was a mistake. Huge carbohydrate binge, brownies, rice in stirfry, yogurt, etc. Will wreck havoc with me for the rest of the week. Didn't take meds in morning because it was so late. Made plans with Miss Kitty for Tuesday and for #2 for weekend to see Clerks 2. His new girlfriend's name is Angel. She'd just left. She'd been there all weekend. If I hadn't asked, was he going to tell me? Felt sad, but not too awful. Didn't take Topomax.

Monday- woke up late again. Took Wellbutrin but not Adderall. Got outside with mom to cut roses and wash dog. Sweaty but sun felt good. I was in an elevated mood all the rest of the day, although a bit burned. Very very giddy by about 5-7. Euphoric, almost. Talked very fast. Didn't have any caffeine except a mountain dew (diet) about 3. Still continued dairy/protein/carb binge, with no fiber. It does cause drainage. Not so much the yogurt but definitely milk and cheese. I think I had a problem with the Yoplait thick stuff, the kind that sticks to the spoon. I looked at the ingredients, and there's corn syrup AND corn starch in it. Does that cause gluten? The starch? I know it's in there to thicken it. There's not supposed to be fucking corn syrup or corn in yogurt!!! Christ! I think it made my blood sugar go nuts. I really wanted to talk to people, to do things. Mom went to bed early so I was cut off from computer. I think detox will be very good for resetting gut bacteria, and breaking caffeine and sugar addictions. (But damnit I like caffeine!). Sir has said to watch what I eat, but no restrictions. That's fine, this diet will be restrictive enough. Took Kelah for walk at 10, only for 15 minutes. Practiced walking up straight, shoulders back and neck/head up, making self tall and lean. This was more strenuous than just normal walking. Need to work on posture more. Kept thinking of Marilyn Monroe's little walk in Some Like It Hot. Watched Stepford wives. Took Top. around 12, could not fall asleep until close to four. It no longer puts me to sleep. I feel this is rather a problem.

Tuesday= Today- something is very wrong. I took my meds, 1 adderall, 1 wellbutrin. woke up at 930 to leave at 11 with mom; I still had wet hair and was 10 minutes late, but overall presentable. Also got distracted by the Workbook, so didn't go as fast as I should have. Really want to time myself on morning routine. Felt good except for feeling very fat (definite difference in jeans/tummy). Upset about this. Went with mom to see Brother Chip's wife the Pullip :). Started feeling awkward. Drank some coffee with milk on the way there- caused drainage of course. Must eliminate milk, this is annoying and fucks my voice up. Envious of how skinny she is, and how great at art she is. It makes me sad. Took my Pullip mini's to visit her Pullips. Would've liked to play with them (and I'm how old? :P). Started feeling a bit cut off when she'd ask me about stuff, I'd explain, and then she'd seem to stop paying attention. Mood dropped a lot as we went to lunch, starting with Mom backing her car up. It was making me agitated and nervous with the curb and everyone seeming to watch from inside the restaurant and I just wanted her to go park farther up the street someplace easier. Went in and lots of men for lunch crowd, who eyed me the whole time. Older men, not hot men, married-ish age, over 30, and some in their 40s. It made me very anxious and I hated being in the center of the room instead of on the wall, which would've felt more private. It was loud and things echoed and it was very distracting and agitating and conversation switched between my mother and myself, with Pullip asking questions. It put me off, I don't know why. I don't want to talk about school, I don't want to talk about the sorority or rush. Or food. It was just awkward. And I kept noticing these men looking at me and I hated it, hated it, hated it. I wanted it to be less loud so I could hear. I felt gross for eating. I didn't want to eat with these people watching me. It felt gross and wrong and bad and why would they? I don't look good! And so we left and got to go to the Farmer's market and before we left Pullip's place Mom asked me if I was okay because my "mood deteriorated over lunch" and I felt irritated that she knew anything was wrong with me because I was willing to bet she would have passed over it before. Asked me this morning if I was taking my meds faithfully and I said "Yes" and giddly thinking "No!" and she said that dad had said I was up until 3. LIKE I AM NOT ALWAYS UP UNTIL 3 FOR AT LEAST THE PAST 3 WEEKS!!!!! OR MOST OF THE SUMMER!!! OR ALWAYS!Idiots. It doesn't make me sleep anymore. I took unisom the other night when #2 told me about his g/f the first time and it took over an hour to kick in instead of my happy 3o minutes. Whether that's the gelcaps being different or me i don't know. I miss my damn blue normal pills. At least I don't feel tired right now. I suppose that's good. At any rate, back to the point, I was very close to crying on and off, felt like I could not handle heat, noise, or crowds, and was afraid of all 3 being at the Farmer's Market. But we went anyway and it was really fun and I perked right up. I drank the rest of my coffeemilk before we left. Did that help? Why didn't it help before? Was it blood sugar? Suspicious paranoia? What's wrong with me? I need to take my meds regularly, I know. I need to wean off my caffeine. I need to be on a routine, a set schedule, wake up at the same time every day and exercise every day at the very least, and keep a clean room.
I'm hoping the detox will eliminate diet as an influence factor of my moods, and then reintroducing them may prove some of them culprit to aggravating, perhaps, some of these problems.
It starts tomorrow. ALl the scheduling does too. I really hope I see some improvement, because I truly do believe holistic medicine is more effective than western.

Day 2

Took double my meds this morning. Slept until about 11, I think, and got up at 12:30. I laid in the dark in my room for that hour and a half or so, drifting in and out of sleep and trying not to think about last night. My 2nd ex told me he has a new girl. He told me in a very inconsiderate way, considering how he's been chasing after me for the past year, popping in and out of my life telling me everything I want to hear and making promises and, in general, fucking with my head and not letting me move on like I want to after dealing with such a miserable break up. I said I expected it, and that he changed all the time and I just needed someone who wasn't like that. And he said he knew, and he was sorry, and he really did sound sorry. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part....But all the same...And we're supposed to go to lunch sometime. Maybe I'll actually have the guts to ask him what I really want to ask...if part of why he left originally was because of me, and if he was really sorry about it or if he was just sorry for himself that the choices he made didn't work out as planned, and so settled on me as an ego boost, or whatever.

So I decided last night that no one who ever tells me that they love me ever truly means it. My mind was screaming big huge neon I TOLD YOU SOs and all I kept thinking was how nobody loved me, everyone lied, they all left, what a fool I was to trust what people said, and how I could I believe that anyone would want an ugly crazy fucked up incompetent little idiot like me was ludicrous, and even if they did despite all that my fears and insecurities probably drove them away, so either way it really was ALL MY FAULT. He kept me hanging on so long, I hated that I let myself love him at all, that he could get me to feel this angry, angry with myself for still wanting to believe in fairy tale endings, and everything was so fucked up and rushing and wouldn't shut up so I went downstairs and took 2 unisom and went to the drawer and got a boxcutter, some antiseptic, and a bandaid. Upstairs in my bathroom...and all of a sudden, some clarity and I almost calmed down, I called ex #3 and told him about it, and I felt so stupid, so very stupid, for thinking that I could deserve to be loved or respected. But also a tiny bit relieved, that this thing hanging over me from #2 for the past year would be gone, and that maybe I could finally get over him, and have that be one less thing complicating my life.
And then my Sir called. And we talked, and he was angry that someone cut me up before he got to, and we discussed my telling #3 about Sir owning me. And that part was actually kind of fun. Sir said he felt sympathetic that #3 would be angry, because I really didn't break it kindly, it just kind of spilled out, but that he felt that the only reason why #3 didn't see it was because he didn't want to. not a direct quote but close:

-Seriously, just as a heterosexual male, wouldn't you be the least bit curious about what your girlfriend and some other guy are texting back and forth about for hours during your D&D game? Or when you ask her how late she stayed up and she says 6, and you ask why, and she says she talked to her penpal for 4 hours on the phone? Yeah, because penpals DO that. Because penpals send you beautiful handmade earrings and presents...- and i said also that he is a sadist and the fact that i'm a masochist and #3 knows these things and knows we've been friends for 5 years should at least imply the question in one's brain of "do they have a history?"

Overall I suppose once I got up I felt okay, although I keep having these bursts of bad thinking that are #2 and relationship-related and that I am ugly and no one wants me, etc.

But I paid my bills, and I found I did NOT overdraw my account, I made a list of ways to cut back on my spending for next semester, and talked with my mom without getting into a fight, and found I weigh 148lbs right now, which is more than I want to weigh but less than I thought I did.

My boyfriends have treated me better when I'm thinner. ._. It's part motivation and part very depressing.
I haven't been very hungry today. 2 cups of coffee and half a thing of yogurt. I pigged out yesterday, I really don't feel like eating a lot today, but I'm hungry now and should eat something.

I talked with my mom about my concerns about medication. She raised me with the belief that God made everyone perfect as they are, with a plan for them. Then isn't it wrong for me to fuck with the brain chemistry I was meant to have?
My mom talked about how the blessings bestowed on people from leading godlike-lives pass down for 1000 generations, but the curses from sinful lives pass down 4 generations. So who sins am I making up for? My grandfather's alcoholism? I don't know. Sidenote---My friend Gumshoe's letter said something similar. In talking to one of his relatives, he came to find out either he acts a lot like his ancestors or they acted a lot like him. So he was wondering now if it was really the events in his life he had considered what made him become the person he is today or if he would be like this anyway because it's in his heritage. And here I go having almost the same kind of conversation, just with religious overtones. Nature vs. nuture. Hmmm.

How do psychiatrists decide what's a disorder? How can you decide from the DMVIV if a person has this or that? I understand they go to school for years but still. That thing is fucking vague. Who sponsors the studies into these so-called disorders? Pharmaceutical companies? Aren't they just pushing drugs unnecessarily on us? Fixing symptoms doesn't cure the problem!!!!
If we know actually very little of how the brain works, why on earth are we prescribing medicines for mental disorders that we don't know how they work?????
Why are weight gain and loss of sex drive acceptable side effects in an anti-depressant when normally those things help CAUSE depression?
If 5 million people have a certain mental disorder, maybe that's just normal for them. (You know, one man's trash is another man's treasure kind of thing). Who dictates what is NORMAL? For myself, why is my diagnosis what it is? How do you differentiate between having a good happy week and hypomania? Who decides this shit? What's the difference between ADD's hyperfocus and me doing better in classes I'm interested in and not so hot in things I don't like? How is that different?
Do people who don't have earlobes have an earlobe-less disorder? Only 8% of the women in the population have what's truly an "Hourglass figure". Does that mean that they physically have some kind of fat placement disorder? WTF?

I am grinding my teeth a bit today because of the adderall, but chewing gum is helping, and i did not make my bed and my room and bathroom are messy, but i'll pick them up before bed time. I need to eat dinner at some point.

I do not feel anxious except for the sporadic bad thoughts, but there's steps to be taken. Compared to last night I feel great.

Manifesto:

I am making this blog for two reasons:
1) Because I have been diagnosed as having bipolar and want to try to track my moods, and it's easier to type than to write, and perhaps other people might help/or be helped by reading it.
2) So I have a place to write whatever I want, crazy or no, and be completely honest.

And since it is mine, I reserve the right to be hypocritical, to change my mind, and to make absolutely no sense, and keep it anonymous, so as not to hurt myself, my friends, or anyone else involved in my life.


Yay. I feel better now.