::sigh::

I started my period Sunday night. Cramped like a motherfucker. Boobs don't hurt anymore and still craving chocolate a bit but not so much on the salt. I can feel myself slightly debloating. It's better.

Squeezed myself into skinny dark blue 4 longlean gap jeans...the pair i have to button first to zip up. Maybe i'll learn not to eat so fucking much. I need to drink more water.

2 vits, 2 fish oils, 1 biotin, 1 magnesium, 1 calcium.
I put lotion on after my shower, did not tone face but did use vit. c and spf30 moisturizer.
used new shampoo and conditioner (yay!)
ate 1 piece of jerky- 40cal
and now 1 south beach cinnamon creme bar- 220.

i don't know what i weigh but i know it's not good... 150s probably if not 160. fat on back under bra, arms are heavier...thighs DEFINITELY bigger, ass too...ugh. Hips not as sharp, nor clavicle. I lost my bone friends! That is not good! It is bad and wrong. Grrrr.

I get my tongue pierced thursday. I'm looking forward to it. I have to get a retainer though because I'll be home the next weekend. Eeep! Cannot have mom notice. She'll freak.

Got to get in shape for spring break/valentines/everything.

I still feel horrible thinking about that nurse in the doctor's office going over my chart- "so are you still drinking and not exercising?" It sounded so horrible when she put it like that...because i really don't drink that often!
::sigh::
I wish my parents didn't make going home so hard. All the foods I'm trying to avoid to be healthy are thrust upon me. I've got to stop thinking of home as a free-for-all and stick to my principles.
Same everywhere.
._.

rules

I gave up soda and chips...any kind of snack food in a bag because they are worthless foods i don't need to be eating. That was my new year's resolution

However- crackers. Those are in boxes. I must eliminate the crackers. They are dooming me.

I'm going to add them next week.
Soda
Chips
Crackers
Dinner rolls/cornbread/croissants of any kind- too hard to gauge calorie content/worthless shit food full of flour and no nutrients.

Whole wheat bread for me, brown rice whenever possible, etc...

If i want crunchy I can eat some nuts or a cucumber or carrots, or those roasted chickpeas in southbeach.

I don't follow a specific diet, i just look at nutritional content and if there's nothing in the food as far as protein, fiber, and vitamins n' such, I deem it a "shit food" and decide I won't waste my time eating it and filling myself with a lot of fluff.

interesting things

I found this site linked through jaoi's (wonderful place, sad it's down) called the Hacker's Diet, which is an online book. I'm writing the relevent parts down for myself so i can get them later...and in case anyone does read this all this info is copyright the Hacker's Diet author. these are just notes to myself about it, i'm not trying to plagiarize or anything.

Calories burned per day
Female, 5'7"
-small frame: 1618-2023
-med frame: 1718-2147
-large frame: 1845-2306

so that's good to know, question is, what kind of frame do i have?
I'm inclined to think large, which would mean i'm a total fatass for eating as many calories as i do. i know i'm not small framed and i don't think i'm particularly straightly average either. ::sigh::

Calories needed per day
135 - based on ideal weight for height
multiplied by 11 -activity level scaled 11-17 (sedentary= 11, strenous activity for hours a day= 17) = 1485 calories a day.

114X11= 1254 cal a day. Hmm.... :)

This is an interesting point he makes in the book- basically a mentioning of you are what you eat, and that the body is really efficient at using all sorts of weird things for food, and what it doesn't need is gotten rid of (duh, right?), and everything else is used. But that somethings can't be used, and you need to get rid of them. *****"Unfortunately, as you bring your weight down to your personal optimum level, the reduced quantity of food you're eating and the odious chemicals released as you burn up excess fat create a tendency for these poisons to stay inside...."
What, ketones? I'm curious now. No diet book ever says that poisons build up inside of you from dieting...continuing to read...

Overeating- fat cells are likened to expanding rubber bags that snatch in any excess food.

Undereating- energy is scarce, body slows down to adjust to the situation, and you feel cold because less energy is available to be burned (i don't think that quite explains why i'm freezing my ass off all the time, because when i'm eating normally i'm still freezing cold.) Bloodstream depletes of energy, and individual fat cells start giving up their reserves= you losing weight.

This is all about calorie counting, which personally I think is a good thing.
To determine gain or loss- number of cals eaten - calories burned.
Positive #= weight gain. Negative #= weight loss.

3500cal in a pound of fat. 750cal in a cup of sugar, a cup of lard has 1800, almost 2.5x that of sugar. Jesus.

Very simple- to lose weight, reduce food intake so you burn 3500cal more than you eat.

An extra 250cal a day causes weight gain.
ice cream cone- 220 (DOOM!)
5 oreos- 250 (DOOM!)
2 cans of beer- 300 (holy shit, didn't realize that. good thing i don't drink it that often...must invest in decent lite beer)
chocolate shake- 375 (it would be the worst, wouldn't it? Fuck)
Adding 250cal a day x7= 1750= .5lbs a week, 2 lbs a month, and 25 lbs in a year. (OMG!! Never going over cal limit ever never ever!!!) However the flip is that subtracting 250cal a day means a 25lb WEIGHT LOSS.
(the thing is, I know all this, but seeing it in print, again, and the numbers, and seeing/remembering how easy it is to go over freaks me out, which is why i like having this here.)

INCREASING THE BURN
2 ways- increase basal metabolism (rate at which body burns cals all the time...i'm guessing mine is at a snail rate) or add physical activity to burn off extra cal. I prefer basal.
-ooo, points out that hourly calorie burn rates for specific exercises are nonstop, and who does that nonstop? compromising on the hour a day (3 days a week for 45min instead) means burning much less, which could be more easily done by cutting out a food.
Foregone confection Calories
Nonfat yogurt 150
Cream of mushroom soup, bowl 175
Bread, 2 slices 150
Beer, 1 can 150
Snickers bar 275
Cola with sugar, 1 can 145
Twinkie 160

also points out that for people who are overweight, often they overeat after working out to make up for the deficit, and cancel out any benefit to weight loss...i know i've done that.
-if one is out of shape it's much better to be at the appropriate weight than overweight and out of shape. AMEN.

"Many people have little or no difficulty controlling their weight. Slim people aren't that way because they're willing to go hungry all the time. They're slim because they're eating the right amounts of food at the right times, putting in just the amount of food their bodies are burning. Because they're meeting their bodies' needs, they aren't hungry: the hunger signal goes off only when too little goes in. Even most overweight people maintain a constant weight without hunger. It's just that the weight they're at is way too high."
"We who have trouble with weight either seem to have that mechanism broken (signals telling you you're hungry, and that you're not), or else we're eating too frequently or too much for other reasons; we're eating not because our bodies need the food but to satisfy psychological needs the exposition of which in various bubbleheaded psychobabble diet books has leveled vast forests."- funny.

far too long

I hate how I look right now. arms...tummy...thighs...calves....ugh!

Been surfing the net and got myself all worked up last night looking at websites....for ed. Just reading the material is triggering for me. I'm particularly fond of how a lot of the sites have gotten rid of bad information like about ipecac syrup and have lots more nutritional info...
i didn't even look at the inspirational pieces.
It was hard to sleep last night.

my libido is shot and been really off since d___ came back to town and he doesn't understand it. I don't know what I weigh atm and I'm afraid to weigh myself. I'm trying to stop eating shit food and be good like I used to.
He wants to date again but I don't think I can have a serious relationship at this point. I don't feel connected to him, and furthermore I feel like this rising surge of Ed behaviour is far more important to me and I can't socialize nearly as much if i'm going to do this and do it right.
I feel so fucking unattractive and ugly bad fat that it's hard for me to comprehend why he even likes me. It frustrates the hell out of him to hear me negate every compliment and that just isn't fair. What gives me the right to put someone else through my stupid little torments?
He's already made it really clear that I can't starve. Not that he'd notice. But I just don't want to fucking deal with someone else's opinions in this. My body, my right to fuck it up as I see fit.

I was trying on jeans today and my precious precious skinny jeans, the People for Peace...barely fit. It was so revolting to see my adipose fat splishing over that I felt sick to my stomach. I feel too disgusting and fat to go to class. I don't want to think about people looking at me.
I'm going to clean my room up and start pasting stuff into my ts book.
I need to make a separate one just for recipes. I'm almost done with my second one. I hope to fill a 3rd book by the end of the semester. Keep my hands busy instead of shoving food in my mouth.
I'm going to start including what I eat in here.


FOOD---
So far-
My meds
1 Kashi <3> (wow...i'm looking at the info box, this stuff is really awesome for you. 2gf, 3gpro, 25% A, 50%C, 100%E, b6, Folic acid, b12, 10% iron, calcium, zinc. Which reminds me I need to take my vitamins.)
vitamins- 1 flaxseed oil (for omega 3); 2 multi (the kind i take are called perfect multi focus formula, you take 4 a day. in a natural healing book about Bipolar disorder they talk about Biotin being super important for regulating things in your brain, this brand has 100% biotin and most only have 10 or 30%. It also has a larger amount of Bvitamins. Our American diets are very short in B3 and very high in B6, and B3 deficiencies cause depression and all sorts of bad things. Having a better ratio in your diet alleviates this. They also give it to people for healthier nails, skin, and hair, and based on my skin and nails I'd say i definitely have a deficiency...i generally always feel better when i take these at least the omega3 oil and these multifocus things. it's a subtle difference but i notice it...downside is that it doesn't have a lot of calcium. they don't say they have calories but i bet they do, but i know it's so minimal it's not going to ultimately matter.)